Murky Reflections

Want to say something today

2011-11-01T23:56:00.006-05:00

Wanted to say something today. Was searching for words in the depth of my thoughts, could only find borrowed ones; but then who am I to better these:

"Ek din zindagi ke ro-ba-roo aa baithe, zindagi ne poocha – dard kya hai, kyun hota hai, kahan hota hai ye bhi to pata nahi chalta
Tanhai kya hai akhir, kitne log to hain yahan – phir tanha kyun ho
Mera chehra dekh kar zindagi ne kaha – main tumhari judwa hoon, mujhse naraaz na hua karo"

Tujhse naaraaz nahi zindagi, hairaan hoon main
Tere masoom sawalon se pareshaan hoon main

Jeene ke liye socha hi na tha, dard sambhalne honge
Muskuraoon to, muskurane ke karz utaarne honge
Muskuraoon kabhi toh lagta hai
Jaise honthon pe karz rakhaa hai
Tujhse naraaz…

Aaj agar bhar ayi hai, boondein baras jaayengi
Kal kya pata inke liye aakhen taras jayengi
Jane kab gum hua, kahan khoya, ek aanson chhupa ke rakha tha
Tujhse naraaz…

Zindagi tere gham ne hamein rishte naye samjhaye
Mile jo hamein dhoop main mile chhaanv ke thande saaye
Tujhse naraaz…

Since we are at it, updates from my side since last post: got married, got the probable reasons for me being me, a degree, a job, a new city, a new life, everything !! ha !!

Me, myself and you

2008-02-28T19:50:00.000-05:00

That day, playing around the park,
I felt, I'm no longer a child.
With no school, no parenting
I had a will of my own.
A grown up, a man I had become,
free finally, not to be reared.
I wanted to shout it out,
announce my arrival.
Feel the joy
and make it known.
I'm one of the club,
I have a say.

Realization then came,
of not knowing myself.
Of an existence, a being,
different from my reflection.
Yes, I could talk but not to myself.
Scold, yes. A number of times.
Consult my hidden fears,
ask them if they are comfortable.
But was devoid of words,
of thoughts to convey
to myself, to the world .

Not until I saw you fighting,
to pull off me, my cloak of silence.
Grappling with my resistance,
huffing, puffing and ranting.
But never giving up,
like a stubborn child.
That I talked to myself about,
how my desires still had hope.
Of getting unveiled,
of finding an expression.
Spring was tiptoeing towards me
from an unknown direction.

Tears of the sun

2006-08-18T23:10:00.000-05:00

I want to cry the whole night today,
cry into the hollows of broken dreams,
for eerie haunting carcasses of vanquished hopes,
to deafen the depths of this unending silence.

But how can I?
I'm a grown up man,
with a stong will,
a power to ride over emotions,
a strength to wipe my own tears.

I want to throw this mask away,
that I have donned for eons now.
I want to be weak for a moment,
for the burden of strength is too heavy.
I want to cry, to laugh, to play, to fall down,
to rise awkwardly, to be a fool again, as a child.

But how can I?
I'm a grown up man.
With wisdom my forte,
I stand tall after my failures,
heartless, stoic, unruffled.

What if I want to have a heart,
for a moment, just for once?

Is mod se jate hain

2006-08-09T06:09:00.000-05:00

The vagaries of life have not allowed me to think about it for a long time now, which is reflected in no posts lately. As I do not expect myself to write anything worthwhile soon, I am filling the gap with an interpretation of one of my favorite songs, penned by Gulzar. The words explaining the meaning are mine but the core idea is 'tap-ed' from a post in the Gulzar community at Orkut.

_________________________________________________
Is mod se jaate hai – Aandhi

Is mod se jaate hain
kuch sust kadam raste, kuch tez kadam raahe
patthar kee hawelee ko, sheeshe ke gharondo me
tinkon ke nasheman tak, is mod se jaate hai…

Sanjeev and Suchitra, just starting their lives together ("mod" refers to a point in life), are thinking about various paths and destinations that lie ahead. "sust kadam" (laid back) and "tez kadam" (go-getter) are the ways that they may take in future. Both are aware that depending on the path that they choose, they may land up at different places -- in a "pathar ki haveli" (relationship with a strong foundation), "sheeshey ka ghronda" (a fragile one) or "tinkon ka nasheman" (nasheman = nest, a temporary fling).

aandhee kee tarah udakar, ek raah gujaratee hai
sharamaatee huyee koi, kadamo se utaratee hai
in reshamee raaho me, ek raah to wo hogee
tum tak jo pahuchatee hai, is mod se jaate hai..

ek door se aatee hai, paas aake palatatee hai
ek raah akelee see, rukatee hain naa chalatee hai
ye soch ke baithhee hoon, yek raah to wo hogee
tum tak jo pahuchatee hai, is mod se jaate hai..

"aandhi ki tarah udkar" (filled with passion), "sharmaate hui koi, kadamo se utarti hai" (shy), "ek door se aati hai, pass aake palatatee hai" (whimsical) , "ek raah akeli se, rukti hai na chalti hai" (slow, steady) -- Having so many ways to approach their nascent relationship, they share with each other the 'pleasant anxiety' that is teasing them and wonder, "There must be some way that leads to you".
_________________________________________________
Marvellous, isn't it ?

Where ??

2006-05-26T22:46:00.000-05:00

Continuing from here, here and here, this is another one in the series :

Not on the ground, not up there anywhere,
not a burning phoenix, not a shimmering glare.

Drenched, overwhelmed by rain's might,
stands the uninitiated, battling for light.

Thinks of a struggle, then thinks why,
the how of it, and above all by.

Thus stands there, with a longing trace,
buried deep beneath, shadows of his face.

O divinity! bless him the question,
the answers he needs,'n doubts he can shun.

--Not a pensive resignation this time, but an honest acknowledgement

Random thoughts

2006-04-22T17:04:00.000-05:00

I did not want to write anything today, haven't got a topic on my mind. Whatever the thoughts are, they are too private to divulge here. Still silence is something I can ill afford. Its deafening. I was listening to music to lessen the effect but it did not help. So, cleaned up my room. It helped. But my room was not dirty enough and I am back to square one. I am thinking of eating something, but I am not hungry yet. Plus my flat-mate is in the kitchen and I am too shy to show him my culinary in-adeptness. Hence, the blog.

Lets enumerate about some good things I came across in the last few days. The bad ones are too abstract, make me look silly, so I'll reserve them for a private audience.

1) Bought a new mattress a couple of months back after my back literally screamed for a change. The old mattress always reminded of a numerical analysis lecture in which the curve had to be convex as a pre-condition for some lousy stability theorem. But my back did not seem to like this convex stability of the mattress, which isn't unexpected as I never liked maths. My back's year long agony went away with almost no effort and money. The mattress cost me $10 only. I know you are thinking why did I not do this earlier. Not that I am miser and was sacrificing my back for money. Only a true procrastinator can empathize with me here. Being a sensitive person, my other concern was how will my generous good-natured 73 year old landlord feel if I threw away his beloved mattress, a dowry gift that he has diligently preserved since World War-II. So, I spent quite a few months thinking of ways to smuggle a new one into my room without his knowledge. Now mission being accomplished under the aegis of a dark moonless night, I exchange the mattresses every evening and sleep blissfully, without offending my landlord in any way . However, one disadvantage of the new arrangement is, unafraid of sleeping, I no longer spend late nights surfing and my blogging frequency has gone down, so are the hits on my blogs which further demotivate me to write. I still am looking for a solution to this vicious circle.

2) One of my friends finally launched the first service of his company after months of arduous labor. Its a text to speech converter, works on blogs and websites too. A god sent blessing for people like me for whom the act of sitting in front of a screen and reading, is too much of an effort. Extract from the launching mail follows

"I am happy to announce the launch of our product, the Proaxsys Reader Engine. This product brings the convenience of voice to PCs. You can create material for your iPod right from your desktop. The Engine runs on our web-server, and is most convenient to use and totally hassle-free. You are spared any painful installations and configurations!"

3) Worked as a volunteer for the ASHA dinner. A first for me on two fronts, in the kitchen and for a good cause. I hope this was not the last time for both the things.

4) Came across this great song Des mera rangrez hai babu from Jhini by Indian Ocean. It has Indian rusticity written all over it, asif one has been listening to it for ages.

That's it for today I guess. The silence has been alleviated and my flatmate too is done with cooking.

Ciao,
Ashish

Dream

2006-04-06T20:46:00.000-05:00

I jumped off, just like that, from top of the world, into the meaningless milieu. I thought it will start off like my first sentence to a girl does; nervous, hesitant, fitful. But it was different, I took to the fall with utmost poise. Everything happened in a fleeting second and lasted an eternity, was so subtle that I had to tell myself I went through it.

The fall wasn't unpleasant either. It was blissful. I saw it, yea I did, the vastness of space clipped by the finiteness of perception, from the top. I looked down for a second. Smiled at the futility of everything. The smallness of it. But then realized that precious little time was being lost. I stopped looking and started assimilating.

Surprisingly, it never looked as if I will not be able to make it. It came naturally to me, from me. I did think of having wings for a second, to prolong the feel, but it felt like swimming with a life jacket, I felt chained within the comfort of safety. I threw the thought away. Unrestrained unabated fall had seduced the whole of me into its lure.

My India vs. The US

2006-03-19T21:45:00.000-05:00

Was away to Buffalo this weekend. Stayed at a friend's place for Saturday night and got hold of this (hardcopy version). Of course, the topic was too hard to resist. Found the stuff pretty realistic, unusual for a foreign magazine. But I am not here to analyse the article. The real world seldom interests me enough to write about it and Murky-Reflections is all about my detours to dreamland. The article provided an ideal background for the journey.

It was on the back seat of a second hand sedan, driven (and owned) at 85 mph by a middle class Indian graduate student on a near flawless freeway, that my mind started personifying this great country. I thought of nations as students in school and the setting gave me little option but to see US as a brash topper of her class. She is 'the one' of the class, excels in whatever she puts her head in to, commands awe from her peers and is the apple of every one's eyes. Every fellow student thinks of somehow emulating her. The perfunctory humility she shows does nothing but embellishes the brazen pride she has in her status/achievements. There are people who love her, envy her, adore her, hate her but none who can dare to ignore her presence. Yea, she is a real person, was my classmate once. I guess I made it too obvious ;-)

India was the obvious next in line. But I had the hardest time locating India among my school mates. Every time I tried to attribute something/someone to her, there was a thought "Nay, my India is not like this." All adjectives I thought of, came along with their opposites and the line I had heard millions of years back started resonating in my head, "Everything you hear about India is true, the opposite is also true." But then I thought that the line was meant for foreigners and certainly the last 7 months that I have lived here did not make me one. So, did I even know my country? And then, I found myself smiling. I had now got the meaning of what I had heard in some sermon somewhere, "Realization is the purest form of knowledge. Every description is a dilution."

Birthday musing

2006-02-19T18:50:00.000-05:00

There are times when I sit in front of the computer and fingers just start typing. Thoughts have words with well defined meanings and are eager to make their journey from my mind to this console. Those are the days when everyone and everything around makes sense, good or bad is a separate matter. When I know I am Ashish and Ashish has his joys, sorrows, ambitions, doubts, plans, dreams, fantasies, friends, relatives, life. All these things are present and purposeful just like the background music of a movie. You hardly notice it, but its always there. Remove it and there's an eerie haunting silence.

And there are days when its confusing. When I know I am Ashish but I do not know what it means? I cannot say its a doubt, confusion or fear, because its something language (or at least my knowledge of it) fails to capture. The feeling is so flimsy that words dilute it, sounds mute it, and a search obscures it. Its like being restricted in a cell, when you know there's something beyond but don't know what. Or like living in absolute darkness and being comfortable with it for most of the time.

I think everyone experiences something similar, in inexplicitness if not in description. And everyone has his/her own solution. Some run away from it by engaging themselves in other simpler things, answering simpler questions, some others close their eyes towards it to deny its existence, a few try to face it, look for answers. For most the subtleness is too hard to perceive, and the comfort comes by associating it with all kinds of things.

The question that I have, with no definite answer, is what should I do, if anything at all?

Pet Peeves

2006-02-13T18:01:00.000-05:00

"Tagged" by Manish, here's my list of 20 :

1) Punjabi aunties (all of them on the other side of 100 kg) who say, "Hai, kinna patla hain ve mundiya tu !! Kaka, sehat bana hun kuch khaya peeya kar"

2) "Oh, you are in US, my uncle's friend's neighbour's son is also there (only 2000 miles from your place). This is his number. Since you are new there na beta, I have told him to take care of you. Do give him a call."

3) Indian/American Idol and all such crap.

4) Advertisements at channels here.

5) "Kya hua ? kuch le kyun nahi rahe ? ek aur roti lo, bahut achchi bani hai. sharmao mat apna hi ghar samjhoo (aur pet kiska samjhaun). "

6) People smoking in trains/buses/public places/homes/anywhere.

7) Indiatimes/TOI

8) Any Tom, Dick or Harry saying "Gandhi/Bose/Nehru/../.. was an idiot, #@*&^"

9) Infra-structure/cleanliness/corruption in India, the "chalta hai" attitude and its mute/helpless/hapless/coward witnesses like me.

10) Chauvinism

11) Unavailability of Bollywood movies where I live :((

12) Rather frequent injuries of Sachin.

13) Hours I spend (read waste) on the new age idiot box (read computer).

14) People with bad breath/body odor.

15) Mobile ringing,people talking/moving in front of screen during a movie in a theater.

16) "I'm on the way, reaching in 15 minutes." "Sirf 1 ganta toh late hoon, itna toh chalta hai yaar"

17) "what else", "aur bata", "u say".....

18) Did practically nothing this week. Meeting with advisor tomorrow. What the hell, lets finish this blog/movie/novel

No clean clothes to wear. No detergent. No enthu to do laundry.

No firewire on my computer and no USB movie transfer from my camcorder. Not buying a firewire and living with the misery for 2 years now.

Yes, the most feared word in the dictionary "PROCRASTINATION"

19) Number of comments on my blog (I guess this is a very common one)

20) --NAFTP-- Not appropriate for this place.

So, how many do you share with me ?

If I'd known...

2006-01-28T18:35:00.001-05:00

If I'd known, how savage love is
I'd have shut the door..

Saw "Mr and Mrs Iyer" for nth time today, am not sure how many times more I will see it again.

Truth is, I am in love with the movie,
with the genuineness of the characters,
with Meenakshi's eyes when they open
with the lines "If I'd known.." and "Don't look away",
with the moment they have in train,
and above all with the surreal reality portrayed.

It captures love in its most beautiful form,
when its unintentional, unsaid and unnamed.. just felt.
when the world around seems so far away
the heart skips a beat every time one thinks about it
n that dreamy ticklish feeling is all that matters..

Poornima, the best writer who knows me and for me a very knowledgeable person concerning matters of love (by experience or otherwise), has a different view. I am not sure how highly she thinks of love when she says, "Its an illusion" and at the same time agrees that ".. every illusion that we hold is absolutely real for the time we hold it."

Now, people will say Ashish is a dreamer. Thanks to Reem, a chat pal and a fellow blogger, I already have an answer. She says, "Don't accuse me for being a dreamer, if reality didnt bore me so much, I would have been otherwise.. " My admiration of her attitude is just a question "Why does she even think of being otherwise, when the dreamer Reem is mystery enough for the world?"

Another of my good friends, a mathematician, tries to analyse the power of fiction in her blog. This reminds of a certain "Dead Poets' Society", of which I am surely a fan? Whats there to analyse in a verse, a movie, a painting or a picture? If words were to describe a beauty, whats the need of it?

Some appreciation of Indian philosophy

2006-01-21T22:03:00.000-05:00

"If I were asked under what sky the human mind has most fully developed some of its choicest gifts, has most deeply pondered over the greatest problems of life, and has found solutions of some of them which well deserve the attention even of those who have studied Plato and Kant, I should point to India. And if I were to ask myself from what literature we who have been nurtured almost exclusively on the thoughts of Greeks and Romans, and of the Semitic race, the Jewish, may draw the corrective which is most wanted in order to make our inner life more perfect, more comprehensive, more universal, in fact more truly human a life...again I should point to India."

--Max Muller

I wonder why not even an ounce of it was taught to me in school.

There and back again

2006-01-15T17:23:00.000-05:00

Winter haven
Happy New Year
Joys/Blues of an international flight
Tabula Rasa
There and back again
...

Yea, you guessed right. These are various choices I have for the title before writing this post. Each one has a different story to tell. Can I weave all of these in one post? Lets try.

After having decided to spend the winters here itself, the trip to India, though dreamt of a zillion times, was applied for in a whim. Not very unlike me though. The heartbeat before asking for permission, the glitches while buying tickets, the bickerings over gifts and last night shopping, the ultimate laziness and adventure, the void on the return.. every experience seems like a distant dream now, which my fleeting memory failed to capture. The whole thing happened just the same way as take-off from Delhi airport, plane was already over Iran when my sleepy mind realized I was on it.

The purpose of going home this winter was to remind myself that there is another world out there, which was my own once. And that the last "was" and "once" used in the previous sentence is my shortsightedness. How successful was I? I think I would realize in a few months. The good thing is, there is a strong possibility that I will get this chance every winter.

One outcome of the trip is partial offloading of an old baggage, something that I had been carrying for almost four years now and something which I always hoped will become a part of me someday. But heaviness of the load and the long wait had started itching too bad. So with the dip in the holy Ganges on new year day, I promised myself a search for more realistic happiness without cursing whatever happened.

The new year beckons with freshness and relief, with vision and a belief.

Going home today...

2005-12-20T01:29:00.000-05:00

..after 4 short months with some long days. Still unsure, still in unrest and still ungainly, but more at ease with the unsurety, in control of the unrest and a little less fazed by the ungainliness. Giving some break to a time which is just learning to fly, going back to the old time, of thousand flights. Dunno if I am prepared for this change? The question thats irking me is will I be able to adjust to the old time, which I had left so far.

Speaking of preparation creates another question in my mind. Am I carrying too much baggage or is it the same as everone else's? Will be carrying two bags for sure, an old one and a borrowed one. I always want to dump the old one, to bury it at some place, where none of my insubordinate thoughts can ever discover it. But it still sticks with me like a shadow, hopping from one place to another, from one time to another. Though a borrowed one, the new bag, not mine originally, looks so good. Still mixed, it seems to have the right ingredients. Sometimes, I hope I knew how to preserve bags or how to change them at will.

Aankh se duur na ho

2005-12-04T13:15:00.000-05:00

Song: Aankh Se Door Na Ho
Album: Sajda
Lyricist: ??
Singer: Lata Mangeshkar

Heard it last week on a friend's recommendation. Its about two lovers who are having a hard time. One of them wants to part ways temporarily. So the other one, who is against this, gives his arguments (I'll assume the female wants to go. It can also be the other way round though):

aankh se duur na ho dil se utar jaayegaa
vaqt kaa kyaa hai guzarataa hai guzar jaayegaa

Please do not go away, becuase then I may forget you forever. However hard the time is it will pass someday. It always does. So, its better to stay together and endure rather than part and forget each other.

itanaa maanuus na ho Khilvat-e-Gam se apanii
tuu kabhii Khud ko bhii dekhegaa to Dar jaayegaa

Do not think of pains in your solitude so much that you start fearing yourself. Always brooding over one's worries makes it worse, lets share them and we will feel better.

tum sareraah-e-vafaa dekhate rah jaaoge
aur vo baam-e-rafaaqat se utar jaayegaa

If we part now, one of us will always hope to get back but the other will just move on. There will be "nothing left to weather".

zindagii terii ataa hai to ye jaanevaalaa
terii bakshiish terii dahaliiz pe dhar jaayegaa

And in the end, when nothing works, he gives the ultimate threat --> I consider my life as your gift, you have made it worth living. So, if we part I'll shun it at your doorstep itself.

Another one

2005-11-26T11:18:00.000-05:00

I came across this song a few days ago, though must have heard it a thousand times in the past without giving serious thought to its meaning. Listened to it carefully when someone asked for the meaning at an Orkut fan club. Here's my interpretation.

Song: O Maanjhi Re
Album: Khusboo (1975)
Composer: R.D. Burman

The singer is in a comtempletive mood, thinking about his philosophy of life. He compares it to a boat flowing along with a river. As with all Gulzar songs, the beauty lies in potraying human emotions via a simple natural setting.

O Maanjhi Re O Maanjhi Re
Apna Kinara
Nadiya Ki Dhara Hai
O Maanjhi Re

"kinara" in this song has different meanings .. here it refers to a haven/resting place... in the above lines, gulzaar captures the mood of "going with the flow" .. nadiya ki dhara can refer to "vagaries of life".. so he probably means I (the singer) take all ups and downs of life as they come ..

Saahilon Pe Behenewale
Kabhi Suna To Hoga Kahi Oooo
Oooo Kagazon Ki Kashtiyon Ka
Kahi Kinara Hota Nahi
O Maanjhi Re Maanjhi Re
Koi Kinara Jo Kinare Se Mile Woh
Apna Kinara Hai
O Maanjhi Re

"saahil" refers to a safe place.. "sahilon pe behnewale" means people who plan their life, are averse to changes.. "kagaz ki kashti" has the nature of going where the flow takes it.. it never contradicts the flow, just floats along.. so, the singer is telling people who live a comfortable, planned life, they must know that his (singer's) kind of people are always carefree, never plan or worry.. "kinara" in the last lines refers to people like the singer himself .. he says its so blissful to find someone like oneself in life

Paniyon Mein Behe Rahe hain
Kayi Kinare Toote Huve Oooo
Oooo Raaston Mein Mil Gaye Hain
Kabhi Saharein Choote Huve
Koi Sahara Majdhare Mein Mile Jo
Apna Sahara Hai
O Maanjhi Re

"kinare toote huve" -- people who have faced difficulties in the past. in life, one comes across many people who have faced a lot .. and it feels good to share one's feelings with such people.. talking to such people gives the courage to continue.. and in the process, without much ado, one finds the missing things of life. "majdhar" means the right in the middle of difficulties/life.. if someone is a help in the most difficult time of life, that person is a real companion

O Maanjhi Re O Maanjhi Re
Apna Kinara
Nadiya Ki Dhara Hai
O Maanjhi Re

As it is

2005-09-13T20:40:00.000-05:00

I haven't written for a long long time; was busy being swept away by the tides of destiny. Its not as if i was unaware of what was happening around me but somehow there is a feeling of being controlled by an authority beyond comprehension. Sometimes I wonder what factors control my current state of mind. I know there will be many but I am still to identify any.

The only observation that I am able to make is my mind's acceptance of any state is inversely proportional to the time length of that state. Accepting this, I need to search for the causes. One obvious and I should say a superficious cause, seems to be my habit of procrastination. Deeper analysis may reveal something more fundamental and may also help me getting rid of this conundrum. The demons of self-doubt however eat up all light of knowledge. But wait a minute, should this not be my aim just to lay these demons to rest.

This was in my drafts for more than 2 months. I think it has little chance of getting completed, so publishing it as it is.

The god of "keeping it simple"

2005-04-22T22:25:00.000-05:00

Who else but gulzar? Lately, I've been mesmerised by his writings, as much by simplicity of his words as by depth of their meannings. Tried to interpret a couple of my favourite songs. Here's one of them.

The song : Aaja Maahi
Album : Fiza
Composer : A R Rehman

This song finds beauty in ordinary natural events and relates it to the effervescence of a clandestine love in the simplest of words. Stunning cinematography and great music make it a delight to hear/watch.

Sohne maahi re...Maahi maahi re...
Maahi maahi re...Maahi maahi re...
Maahi maahi re...Maahi maahi re...
Aaja mahi mere..Aaja mahi mere
Aaja mahi mere..aa
Aaja mahi mere..Aaja mahi mere
Aaja mahi mere..aa

Aa dhoop maloon main..tere haathon mein
Aa sajda karoon main..tere baathon pe
Ho subah ki mehendi..chhalak rahi hai

Dhoop is compared to mehndi. The color of dhoop is the color of joy and rubbing mehndi signifies an act of celebration/rejoicing for the girl (or marriage), the boy says let me bring joy to your life (by marrying you). "Sajda karna" here signifies revering. The boy means he is devoted to whatever the girl says.

Aaja..Aaja mahiya..aaja mahiya
Aaja..Aaja mahiya..ho..aaja mahiya
Aaja mahi mere..Aaja mahi mere
Aaja mahi mere..aa
Aaja mahi mere..Aaja mahi mere
Aaja mahi mere..aa

Aahista pukaaro..sab sunlenge
Bas labon se choolo..lab sunlenge
Haan...aankh bhi kal se phadak rahi hai

The girl is shy and afraid lest everyone listens to their conversation. At the same time, she is bold and says leave the talk and get to business :P Or euphemistically, she says "my lips will know what your lips say". "aankh phadakna" is considered a sign of excitement about something happening, she is hopeful that something might happen between them.

Aaja..Aaja mahiya..aaja mahiya
Aaja..Aaja mahiya..ho..aaja mahiya

Ek noor se aankhen chaunk gayeen
Dekha jo tujhe aaine mein
Ek noor se aankhen chaunk gayeen
Dekha jo tujhe aaine mein
Aaja mahiya,Aaja mahiya
Koi noor kiran hogi woh bhi
Jo chubne lagi hai seene me

The boy says, "I was amazed because I saw you when I looked into the mirror. I am seeing you in the mirrors now, may be some memory of yours is teasing me."

Aaja mahiya
Aaja mahiya
Aa dhoop maloon main..tere haathon mein
Aa sajda karoon main..tere haathon mein
Ho subah ki mehendi..chalak rahi hai
Aaja..
Aaja mahiya..ho..aaja mahiya
Aaja..Aaja mahiya..ho..aaja mahiya
Mahi mahi re...Mahi mahi re...Mahi mahi re...

Laal ho jab yeh shaam kinara
Orha dena sar pe saara
Laal ho jab yeh shaam kinara
Orh ha dena sar pe saara
Aaja mahiya, Aaja mahiya
Chal roke le suraj chhup jaayega
Paani mein gir ke bujh jaayega

These are my favourite lines. The sun, in bright red colour, looks marvellous at twilight. She asks the boy to wrap around her head that most beautiful "dupatta". If one looks at the setting sun by the seaside, it seems as it is being extinguished by falling into the sea. The poets compares this to a beautiful time being lost. So the boys asks her to save forever this beautiful time they have spent together.

Aaja mahiya,Aaja mahiya
Aahista pukaaro..sab sunlenge
Bas labon se choolo..lab sunlenge
Haan...aankh bhi kal se phadak rahi hai
Aaja..Aaja mahiya..ho..aaja mahiya
Aaja mahiya..ho..aaja mahiya
Mahi re...Mahi re...
Mahi re...Mahi re...
Mahi re...Mahi re...
Mahi re...Mahi re...

Maahi maahi mere..maahi maahi mere..
Mahi mere..mahi mere..mahi mere
Maahi maahi mere..maahi maahi mere..
Mahi mere..mahi mere..mahi mere

Whats new

2005-02-13T17:04:00.000-05:00

My comments on my life have been bullshitted by a close friend, so I will shift to something acceptable but hopefully interesting. Alright, I do not care for anyone's interest, just want to write for myself. Even then lets discuss people, relationships to be specific.

I want to know what the beginning of a relationship really is. Whats the need? Is it social or biological? My understanding is every relationship is a kind of a barter system, its a give and take. People say parents always have selfless love towards their children. I say there's nothing selfless in any relationship. Every person in this world has this innate tendency to constantly be in association with things as well as fellow beings. Everyone wants myriad worldly connections wherein each of these is different in content and form. As a parent he wants to take care of his child, as a wealthy person of his money, as a company owner his company and so on. A very insensitive engineer's generalization will be "Every one works for the bond that attaches one to the obect of that bond".

So, where does sacrifice, considered to be one of the highest charateristics of manhood come into picture? I think it too is a manifestation of this tendency only. The sacrifice of life for a loved one means the object "loved one" is more important than the object "life". Thus, this yearning/love for objects is IMHO the answer to every question. Is this nothing but the philosophy of Gita? I think it is. But if the philosophy is so simple then why is life so complicated?

I think the conflict arises in interpreting this yearning. For some, not to yearn is the solution; some others want to yearn judiciously. But what should I do? Does anyone have an answer?

Roller Coaster ride

2005-01-25T23:12:00.000-05:00

Oft-repeated & pretty lame anology one always attaches to life. But, it is apt. Nothing else matches life more. I seem to be in the trough for a long time now. I do not remember when and how, but I somehow have lost some vital ingredient in the recipe of contentment. It feels as if God has triggered some "yearn" switch inside me and has forgotten to add the object/thing to yearn for. The mind is convoluted thoughtwise and empty contentwise. One content that I desperately tried to imbue myself with for the past two years is the feeling of love. One can say that I was not the most fortunate person in love but the real reason was I simply overlooked our incompatibility and inappropriateness of my intentions. The result is I find myself falling in a bottomless abyss, discovering new lows every day waiting for the end when I strike the bottom. But life's different. Dented pride, zero self-confidence, no motivation about anything, an unrequited love and a depression aren't the only lows it has to offer. How I hope to just evaporate out of this misery?

Future has promise today

2004-10-19T03:27:00.000-05:00

Everything is falling back to place. All the conditions dictating my mental health are moving towards stability. Everyone says life is always up and down. I do not disagree but the amplitude and frequency of this up-down should be under control. For me everything was going haywire. Till now, I am trying to assess the whole episode and hopefully learn my lessons. I do not know how much I have succeeded but for a strong urge to not let myself succumb to the same mess again. However, I want to move to a state where I do not have to be careful of my failings. I want to conquer them once and forever.

Sometimes I look for support from someone not infallible but someone complementary and compatible. And its not only about sense and sensibilities. I feel a child in me, who wants to be pampered, doted, even scolded sometimes and, most importantly, wanted for just being me. I wonder how I always go on demanding from life. Its always I want, I need, I feel and never I am. I want to reach the 'I am' stage. In other words, I want to get rid of my wants :-)

Demands

2004-10-13T15:43:00.000-05:00

"All your demands, if not extravagant, will be fulfilled"

Funny statement, almost a double oxymoron for me (atleast for now). All my demands are infact extravagant, and have absolutely no chance of being fulfilled. Anyways ditch that, there's no use. Lets just identify all of them with no pressure on destiny to meet any. I demand a mind clear of dilemmas, excited about future; a feeling of curosity when I wake up in the morning and of content when i go to bed. Is this extravagance, I will not ask. May be the right way to handle this will be thinking about my part rather than destiny's.

Frankly speaking, I have no idea how to achieve this, how to end this ever burning restlessnes, this feeling that something vital is amiss. The constant yearning nature of my mind haunts me. I feel asif I am standing alone in the vastness of time. I see a desert all over, inside of my soul is void of effort and my world outside is void of people, I see sand everwhere, sand of emotions, untended, dry and whimsical.

cute lines

2004-09-26T01:40:00.000-05:00

This is about the girl I love,
No qualms, there's none above.

She drives me crazy is the usual way,
"She makes me me",is what I'd say.

Moist in her eyes makes me cry,
A sight of hers,and I can die.

Million miles away she seems to be,
When she keeps silent,doesn't talk to me.

A day will come when she will be mine,
Life will be cool,lets say "just fine".

-- I find this very kiddish, but why should I kill the child in me :-P

Is intensity...

2004-07-15T20:19:00.000-05:00

.. of thoughts a concern? The wild fluctuations, the mood swings faster than an eyeblink, the restlessness.. Is everything just a phase that everyone goes through? If yes, then why cant someone do something about it? Why is everything kept under wraps? Is this because same situations pose different concerns to different poeple and likewise, everyone has to look for one's own answers.
My straight simple story is I was not diligent enough at work and am paying for it. But why can anyone not accept that there were other reasons as well? May be I fell in a worldly trap of working for rewards, where a more rational thinking is to work for survival of spirit. The allusion to bhagwadgita is not a mere coincidence here. Everyone knows people die for lack of food but no-one told me what happens when one's away from work. I hate myself for getting that simple thing too late.

Fears of a haunted mind

2004-07-14T16:18:00.000-05:00

Is fear driving me or is it an just impulsive force trying to break my inertia? And fear of what: future, peers? Fear matters for sure, but its kind.. dunno. Is it not that fear drives losers; winners have ambitions? So, I too will have to make this transition sometime sooner than later.
Ambition comes after fear in the hierarchy of driving forces. It surely can lead one somewhere but that somewhere is too far to be felt now. How can one predecide that one would like it? May be going up is not the solution. A perfect setting would be to have everything here itself, a blissful state of mind regardless of situations. I do not want to be a sanyasi, but enjoying life without craving for it should be possible. Desires should offload the pain they cause when not fulfilled. May be this state comes after going through a lot, but who asked for free lunches ?

Quarter-life crisis (continues.. )

2004-07-13T14:19:00.000-05:00

Once I looked up, I saw the sun,
Brave would've faced it, I could only run.
Gifted with a dream, little did I care
And spilled everything, my hands lay bare
I think of ruin, I think of plunder
When will I realize, it is a blunder
They talk of phoenix, people of old lore
Its rising from ashes, not the burning before

It still does

The road ahead..

2004-07-12T15:18:00.000-05:00

.is treacherous I know, but I have to walk it. Talking of motivation, what is it? I still dont know. Does it come from fear or shall I euphemize it to "concern for future"? One bottomline is one should fear future. May be its not fully correct, but do I need an absolute truth? Wont a practical, hypothesized reality work? After all, I am an engineer not a philosopher. My job is to get things to work, not search for the ultimate. Does that mean an engineer holds much more importance to a society than a philosopher? Gears against metaphysics, will anyone be interested in this battle?
Where am I going,let me stick to myself. Do I want to be a winner or a loser? Before answering this question, I need to have a working definition of both the terms and also see if there's another category in the middle. I think its all relative, depends on situation, perspective. For now, relativity is the absolute. So, now lets define what I want to be in what situation and whose perspective. Winner of course, in terms of oft-repeated categories of money,fame and family. It was really simple :) Till I get that, I cannot move ahead wherein both getting there and moving ahead are of equal relevence. Also, to get there thoughts of moving ahead should be put to hibernation for now. Inevitabilty not banality should be attributed to "hardwork".

The worst day of my life

2004-05-25T23:27:00.000-05:00

I do not want to live here. Money does not attract me, fame is not exactly what I want, people around do not matter and I am not born just to do the job assigned mindlessly. Today can be easily called the most difficult day of my life. I do not have a single penny in my pocket, no family or relatives around, not a friend in sight I can lean on and above all, no motivation to work. So, why am I alive? I do not even have anyone to tell this to, leave alone an answer to my question. This hunger is killing me, but the urge to live is not strong enough to force me to eat. But I should rather look at the positives. I must have some, surely. I have a bright career ahead, but do I want it? I have my family besides myself, but is it such a big asset. Everyone has to live away at some point in one's life. I want to know what motivation do people have when they know they are alone till they start a new family themselves. Are the people around, friends or acquaintances, playing such an important role as being the preservers of the will to live? Are these thoughts of mine meaningful or just an excuse for my laziness. Is laziness the only ailment I am suffering from? Lets count some instances when I have done some hard work. EDP is one, it paid. Third year course on computation is another, did not pay. NTSE preparation pays even today. I studied hard for the final exams in seventh. So, some few and far between instances are certainly there but laziness is the general trait. Are there any decisions I can take at this point? Not being lazy is one, but deciding to abandon laziness would be like swimming The English Channel tomorrow.
I last ate something substantial may a couple of days back, had two good meals in a day may be sometime in April and now after having a glass of water feel like writing again. The positives of my life are hiding somewhere lest they too are destroyed by the reckless devil of my insane thoughts. The negatives well fed by the generosity of these very thoughts have pinned my soul and are about to crucify it.

not my terrain, hehe :)

2004-01-15T02:14:00.000-05:00

I want to outline your beauty
But my verse is puerile
I want to admire your poise
But I dont have the guile

I want to kiss your lips
But the thought trembles me
I want to look in your eyes
But your gaze bemuses me

I want to play with your hair
But my fingers go numb
I want to hold your hand
But I am so dumb

I want you so bad
But have reflections so many
I want to say the words
But I havent got any

Interestingly, I wrote this one just to prove to myself that I can write about good things too. It seems I failed.

Quarter-life crisis

2003-11-25T22:10:00.000-05:00

Is this for real, is this right?
In all this tumult, where's the light?
Darkness of doom descends on my soul,
Besieges my psyche, engulfs it whole.
Spirit is restive, a fish without water,
Confidence crippled, pride rendered shorter.
Aimless wandering n listless thought,
Mock my effort, pull it to nought.
The heart cries, drains my muse,
All I look for, is some excuse.
Inspiration is mauled, looted, raped,
And damned to oblivion, while I gaped.
Every positive is negated, strength is spent,
I cannot face it, my ego is bent.
No goals in sight, no path to follow,
I seek refuge in the past so hollow.
Cannot help howsoever I hate,
This loser's attitude, giving in to fate.
O Lord! I pray to thee,
Show some mercy, set me free.
On my knees, defeated by strife,
I plead tranquility, a just life.

When will it be over :(

A day marked for a fight

2003-09-19T02:33:00.000-05:00

There was this day
Of strife, of delay.
Tempers were high
Gray looked the sky.
So was my muse
A mood grim, obtuse.
The wick called hope
Was fitful and grope.
Yea, it was our toast
Cursed, marred by roast.
Settling to drag
Was tough, no brag.
By Joe, did it pay?
Our gamble, foray.
Thoughts arose in mind
To forget, leave behind.
And, soon discord waned
Free now, were the chained.
Bhai took the first bow
As accounts began to flow.
Of his prime, peerless flair
His hallmarks and glare.
The torch then moved on
To every Tom, Dick & Ron.
Twas fun, twas a fest
Up there with the best.
Heavens opened at last,
Amidst joy at full blast.
Thus, ended on a note right
A day marked for a fight.

It was a good treat. I saw Taj from inside :)

Freedom ?

2003-08-15T22:08:00.000-05:00

Freedom day it is
to be celebrated,
free to be me
To have the right.

I was told
they are the one,
my own people
for me and you.

To rule my mind
to weave illusion,
here they come
to wash my eyes.

Year after year
redemption promised,
of glory fantasied
of history invented.

Reality, not for me
its a myth,maya they say.
Buddha is a legend
a God to worship.

Is this the end
a goal realized,
or just a stretch
on the treacherous path?

Hazy but there still
my vision of freedom,
the dream India
will it be realized?

Patriotic me :D

Initiation 2

2003-06-09T07:20:00.000-05:00

I am back. Almost on the same terrain but a more critical analysis this time. But today I wont talk about lost places, the topic would rather be lost people. People who want to say a million things to some "one in a zillion" person but have to contend with broadcasting a few thousand lines for one's elusive "the one" to pick up and notice. What a strange animal man is? Is this a sub-conscious form of exhibitionism? But who will tell me?

chalo, I should put across my theory and let others contribute/ criticize.Restricting our discussion to email, chatrooms and blogs, what do these things solve? If one pays a bit more attention, there's not much evidence of such an open expression of human thoughts in the past. esp. of the blogs...Some may argue that blog is an extension of good old diary writing system but in my opinion this is not true. Both differ at their root purpose,one is a private store house to be revisited after decades, to satisfy nostalgic thirst while the blog is to say it to all. Imho, blog represents modern day paradigm shift to shw-off and cash in, both fruits of materialism. 10 years back, could we ever have expected couples to make their bedroom blues public, a student writing all he/she feels about his teacher or a pyt invting people to talk to her...blogs though carry traditional lamenting on the system, reviews of movies, events, people etc. as well...So blog is a novel expression and at the same time gateway of conventional expressions.

The advantage of this expression is its just another solution for ubiquitous problem of stress. Infact, modern day psychologists and our ancient wise men agree on their prescription on stress relieving, which is to express oneself....and blog suits present day world..its fast, easily accessible and global. The only disadvantage can be when the object of one's grudge comes across one's blog. Oh gawd!!! that'll be a KO. what if mom sees what I am writing.. I'll be nailed....so guys just excuse me till I invent a safer "mode of expression" or get bold enough to use this blog again..

Promise to myself...

2003-03-26T01:24:00.000-05:00

Flowers,birds,rain,the hill
Never cross my mind,
Nor am I fill.
With joy so innocent,
As only she is
my dreamgirl.

Doubts, worries, thought,
is all i have,
N' it is fought.
The battle so hard
where else but
in my own heart.

Smiles, frowns, fad
she thinks so pretty
and I so bad.
Whats amiss,
Cant I be happy,
N' always be glad.

Promise, pledge, a vow
here I make
to me and to thou.
I'll be fun,
from now on
N' no furor.

.. which did not last even a month, i guess. Anyways, really bad rhyming.

The initiation

2003-03-18T19:15:00.000-05:00

Hey there

What now is a blog? Seriously speaking, who is this guy "there" to whom I am saying hi ? What hit upon me to write on this sidey blog at this early morinng hour for normal diurnal people? And what purpose will this solve? Will anybody of this species "there" out there care to read it? May be there's enuf vehli junta out there like myself willing to farsake one work, career, family, friends and what not just to find some breathing space. However, the consolence of not being "the only tired one" is all one gets. God knows in what dimension this space exists.

Lets start with myself. What should I write about a person who is trying to find himself in this harrowing hollowness of internet, where zillions of people are continuously losing themselves. The most baffling thing is everybody knows that the internet is a "Lost and Lost" place, the found part is lost somewhere. So, now I too should get lost and find myself.

Till I lose myself again, signing off...
Ashish

"Dazed and Confused"

2003-01-25T02:53:00.000-05:00

I started my journey with a soldier's gait
As a born winner, maker of my fate.
Praises pouring plenty, hopes held high,
I will be there, I will fly.
Who did forsee a one eyed king,
Had frozen feet and wax wing?
Towards or away, life was a run,
I feared darkness, or was it sun.
My self failed me in the war of vision,
The reason was not fortune, nor was reason.
What I haven't done is the fuss,
Every ought and must still a guess.
Numbed still in the mire of million mutiny,
What am i awaiting, a search or scrutiny?
Hope is in parts, a half in here,
The other with her,despair breeds this pair.

My best/worst till date...

The first omen

2002-11-25T20:46:00.000-05:00

Your care teared me,
Whats left is a zombie.
I ain't one of them,
Milling millions of this mayhem.
O Lord, take me away,
To your place, where I stay.
Without misery or bliss,
Like a stone, as it is.
It should not be cursed, one's birth,
But I'm empty, without any dearth.
Left with nothing as an option,
I beg Thee, for adoption.

No comments !!!!

In a boring lecture

2002-11-05T18:13:00.000-05:00

Again he's here with a nervous look
Like he doesn't know what to cook
Gazing am I with expectant eyes
Hoping against hope torture'll be nice
Soon the hope will be a fantasy
Competing, in dreams, with my Urvasi
Why we always have as a work
All the things that I most shirk
Can we not have such a gain
Which always comes without any pain
Only I know how I regret
All the applaud my learnings get
At the expense of that innocent charm
I dont need fame, I need calm.

Do not remember which row I was sitting in? Must be second or third. God bless indian chemical industry.

Struggle

2002-08-22T03:54:00.000-05:00

Periodic, acute
Shortlived, disturbing
Like an eclipse
The invisible dragon
Overpowered my psyche
It rained and rained
Trail of thoughts
Long and thin
Of ruin and grim
Standing alone
Searching a hope
Hoping a search
Amidst storm
I fought and fought
With myself
Within my self
Eventually it grew
Stronger and stronger
Like a storm
Penning my grief
Pinning my sorrow
Raising hope
For a better tomorrow.

Can this even be called a verse? I guess the only struggle one understands is for words to abhor it :D

An accident

2002-03-22T21:31:00.000-05:00

On a day, bright and sunny
riding in dreams with my honey
Oblivious of everyone but u was me
there she came, like an apple from a tree
My head went for the Newtonian bang
not of thoughts but of noisy tang
Thus fell this sweet girl Risha
just after saying "Ashish aaha"

Was written to impress a new-found chat-pal. Thank god, she had never read any poetry before. No wonder, we still are good friends.

Calling old scattered pals, my schoolmates

2001-10-29T19:01:00.000-05:00

Those were the days
of pranks and plays.
Nothing but me dhall
All storm and no lull.
Why the things went so far?
In some distant nook of my hear'
Hoping against hope to revive
the best days of my life
I am calling you all,
Let the mails have a fall,
To share our toasts,divide our pain
Lets come together and be one again.

Want to sit one day (or night may be) with all of them and drown in nostalgia..

Where do I stand?

2001-10-19T21:27:00.000-05:00

What should I say?
On this day
So much to be written
With a dilemma I am bitten
Yes, I am a maverixx
But, in a fix
In this wing so grand
Where do I stand
Starting from Pendu and ma(nas)
To Nimmo through Maximus
Everyone fits in place
With domination or with grace
Then is this pair
Of a Daku and a Swami, of hope in despair
Tyagi, Gangu, Silo still in search
Of the path with minimum lurch
Chate, Angrez and Kammo along with Ghat
All are dreaming of an american tart
Two of my batchmates, a poet and a rakshas
Wriggling are they, one in CS other in mess
Forgive me for clubbing Munjal and St(u)d
So different are they, like sand and mud
One ever-changing, flowing
The other believes in slowing
Sophies still coming out of the shell
Beginning they have made, nice and well
All of them make my wing
Does in my mind a bell ring ?
"" In the wing so grand
Where does Chandi, a jaat stand?
Where does Chandi, a jaat stand? ""

It was written sometime in my third year,for a stupid wing site. But,forget about the past,where do I stand now,today ?? I guess the answer is as disturbing as it is simple.. "right in the middle of nowhere"

My head spinning

2001-03-20T02:45:00.000-05:00

one thing that i have never found
is why it always goes round and round
for last few years my brain had a fight
still i havent got what is right
may be the day i'll get it
to present theory it wont fit
everything will be straight and simple
i'll have a Preity like dimple
end shall come to all strife
that'll be the happiest day of my life.

What did I mean by this??

My first attempt

1999-11-21T00:43:00.000-05:00

i wont write anything now u see
coz i dunno have time even to pee
even if i spare some time
people here dunno like my rhyme
my poetry had this great fall
goodbye to u once and for all

It seems like it was my last, but thankfully it wasnt :)