I jumped off, just like that, from top of the world, into the meaningless milieu. I thought it will start off like my first sentence to a girl does; nervous, hesitant, fitful. But it was different, I took to the fall with utmost poise. Everything happened in a fleeting second and lasted an eternity, was so subtle that I had to tell myself I went through it.
The fall wasn't unpleasant either. It was blissful. I saw it, yea I did, the vastness of space clipped by the finiteness of perception, from the top. I looked down for a second. Smiled at the futility of everything. The smallness of it. But then realized that precious little time was being lost. I stopped looking and started assimilating.
Surprisingly, it never looked as if I will not be able to make it. It came naturally to me, from me. I did think of having wings for a second, to prolong the feel, but it felt like swimming with a life jacket, I felt chained within the comfort of safety. I threw the thought away. Unrestrained unabated fall had seduced the whole of me into its lure.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Sunday, March 19, 2006
My India vs. The US
Was away to Buffalo this weekend. Stayed at a friend's place for Saturday night and got hold of this (hardcopy version). Of course, the topic was too hard to resist. Found the stuff pretty realistic, unusual for a foreign magazine. But I am not here to analyse the article. The real world seldom interests me enough to write about it and Murky-Reflections is all about my detours to dreamland. The article provided an ideal background for the journey.
It was on the back seat of a second hand sedan, driven (and owned) at 85 mph by a middle class Indian graduate student on a near flawless freeway, that my mind started personifying this great country. I thought of nations as students in school and the setting gave me little option but to see US as a brash topper of her class. She is 'the one' of the class, excels in whatever she puts her head in to, commands awe from her peers and is the apple of every one's eyes. Every fellow student thinks of somehow emulating her. The perfunctory humility she shows does nothing but embellishes the brazen pride she has in her status/achievements. There are people who love her, envy her, adore her, hate her but none who can dare to ignore her presence. Yea, she is a real person, was my classmate once. I guess I made it too obvious ;-)
India was the obvious next in line. But I had the hardest time locating India among my school mates. Every time I tried to attribute something/someone to her, there was a thought "Nay, my India is not like this." All adjectives I thought of, came along with their opposites and the line I had heard millions of years back started resonating in my head, "Everything you hear about India is true, the opposite is also true." But then I thought that the line was meant for foreigners and certainly the last 7 months that I have lived here did not make me one. So, did I even know my country? And then, I found myself smiling. I had now got the meaning of what I had heard in some sermon somewhere, "Realization is the purest form of knowledge. Every description is a dilution."
It was on the back seat of a second hand sedan, driven (and owned) at 85 mph by a middle class Indian graduate student on a near flawless freeway, that my mind started personifying this great country. I thought of nations as students in school and the setting gave me little option but to see US as a brash topper of her class. She is 'the one' of the class, excels in whatever she puts her head in to, commands awe from her peers and is the apple of every one's eyes. Every fellow student thinks of somehow emulating her. The perfunctory humility she shows does nothing but embellishes the brazen pride she has in her status/achievements. There are people who love her, envy her, adore her, hate her but none who can dare to ignore her presence. Yea, she is a real person, was my classmate once. I guess I made it too obvious ;-)
India was the obvious next in line. But I had the hardest time locating India among my school mates. Every time I tried to attribute something/someone to her, there was a thought "Nay, my India is not like this." All adjectives I thought of, came along with their opposites and the line I had heard millions of years back started resonating in my head, "Everything you hear about India is true, the opposite is also true." But then I thought that the line was meant for foreigners and certainly the last 7 months that I have lived here did not make me one. So, did I even know my country? And then, I found myself smiling. I had now got the meaning of what I had heard in some sermon somewhere, "Realization is the purest form of knowledge. Every description is a dilution."
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Birthday musing
There are times when I sit in front of the computer and fingers just start typing. Thoughts have words with well defined meanings and are eager to make their journey from my mind to this console. Those are the days when everyone and everything around makes sense, good or bad is a separate matter. When I know I am Ashish and Ashish has his joys, sorrows, ambitions, doubts, plans, dreams, fantasies, friends, relatives, life. All these things are present and purposeful just like the background music of a movie. You hardly notice it, but its always there. Remove it and there's an eerie haunting silence.
And there are days when its confusing. When I know I am Ashish but I do not know what it means? I cannot say its a doubt, confusion or fear, because its something language (or at least my knowledge of it) fails to capture. The feeling is so flimsy that words dilute it, sounds mute it, and a search obscures it. Its like being restricted in a cell, when you know there's something beyond but don't know what. Or like living in absolute darkness and being comfortable with it for most of the time.
I think everyone experiences something similar, in inexplicitness if not in description. And everyone has his/her own solution. Some run away from it by engaging themselves in other simpler things, answering simpler questions, some others close their eyes towards it to deny its existence, a few try to face it, look for answers. For most the subtleness is too hard to perceive, and the comfort comes by associating it with all kinds of things.
The question that I have, with no definite answer, is what should I do, if anything at all?
And there are days when its confusing. When I know I am Ashish but I do not know what it means? I cannot say its a doubt, confusion or fear, because its something language (or at least my knowledge of it) fails to capture. The feeling is so flimsy that words dilute it, sounds mute it, and a search obscures it. Its like being restricted in a cell, when you know there's something beyond but don't know what. Or like living in absolute darkness and being comfortable with it for most of the time.
I think everyone experiences something similar, in inexplicitness if not in description. And everyone has his/her own solution. Some run away from it by engaging themselves in other simpler things, answering simpler questions, some others close their eyes towards it to deny its existence, a few try to face it, look for answers. For most the subtleness is too hard to perceive, and the comfort comes by associating it with all kinds of things.
The question that I have, with no definite answer, is what should I do, if anything at all?
Monday, February 13, 2006
Pet Peeves
"Tagged" by Manish, here's my list of 20 :
1) Punjabi aunties (all of them on the other side of 100 kg) who say, "Hai, kinna patla hain ve mundiya tu !! Kaka, sehat bana hun kuch khaya peeya kar"
2) "Oh, you are in US, my uncle's friend's neighbour's son is also there (only 2000 miles from your place). This is his number. Since you are new there na beta, I have told him to take care of you. Do give him a call."
3) Indian/American Idol and all such crap.
4) Advertisements at channels here.
5) "Kya hua ? kuch le kyun nahi rahe ? ek aur roti lo, bahut achchi bani hai. sharmao mat apna hi ghar samjhoo (aur pet kiska samjhaun). "
6) People smoking in trains/buses/public places/homes/anywhere.
7) Indiatimes/TOI
8) Any Tom, Dick or Harry saying "Gandhi/Bose/Nehru/../.. was an idiot, #@*&^"
9) Infra-structure/cleanliness/corruption in India, the "chalta hai" attitude and its mute/helpless/hapless/coward witnesses like me.
10) Chauvinism
11) Unavailability of Bollywood movies where I live :((
12) Rather frequent injuries of Sachin.
13) Hours I spend (read waste) on the new age idiot box (read computer).
14) People with bad breath/body odor.
15) Mobile ringing,people talking/moving in front of screen during a movie in a theater.
16) "I'm on the way, reaching in 15 minutes." "Sirf 1 ganta toh late hoon, itna toh chalta hai yaar"
17) "what else", "aur bata", "u say".....
18) Did practically nothing this week. Meeting with advisor tomorrow. What the hell, lets finish this blog/movie/novel
No clean clothes to wear. No detergent. No enthu to do laundry.
No firewire on my computer and no USB movie transfer from my camcorder. Not buying a firewire and living with the misery for 2 years now.
Yes, the most feared word in the dictionary "PROCRASTINATION"
19) Number of comments on my blog (I guess this is a very common one)
20) --NAFTP-- Not appropriate for this place.
So, how many do you share with me ?
1) Punjabi aunties (all of them on the other side of 100 kg) who say, "Hai, kinna patla hain ve mundiya tu !! Kaka, sehat bana hun kuch khaya peeya kar"
2) "Oh, you are in US, my uncle's friend's neighbour's son is also there (only 2000 miles from your place). This is his number. Since you are new there na beta, I have told him to take care of you. Do give him a call."
3) Indian/American Idol and all such crap.
4) Advertisements at channels here.
5) "Kya hua ? kuch le kyun nahi rahe ? ek aur roti lo, bahut achchi bani hai. sharmao mat apna hi ghar samjhoo (aur pet kiska samjhaun). "
6) People smoking in trains/buses/public places/homes/anywhere.
7) Indiatimes/TOI
8) Any Tom, Dick or Harry saying "Gandhi/Bose/Nehru/../.. was an idiot, #@*&^"
9) Infra-structure/cleanliness/corruption in India, the "chalta hai" attitude and its mute/helpless/hapless/coward witnesses like me.
10) Chauvinism
11) Unavailability of Bollywood movies where I live :((
12) Rather frequent injuries of Sachin.
13) Hours I spend (read waste) on the new age idiot box (read computer).
14) People with bad breath/body odor.
15) Mobile ringing,people talking/moving in front of screen during a movie in a theater.
16) "I'm on the way, reaching in 15 minutes." "Sirf 1 ganta toh late hoon, itna toh chalta hai yaar"
17) "what else", "aur bata", "u say".....
18) Did practically nothing this week. Meeting with advisor tomorrow. What the hell, lets finish this blog/movie/novel
No clean clothes to wear. No detergent. No enthu to do laundry.
No firewire on my computer and no USB movie transfer from my camcorder. Not buying a firewire and living with the misery for 2 years now.
Yes, the most feared word in the dictionary "PROCRASTINATION"
19) Number of comments on my blog (I guess this is a very common one)
20) --NAFTP-- Not appropriate for this place.
So, how many do you share with me ?
Saturday, January 28, 2006
If I'd known...
If I'd known, how savage love is
I'd have shut the door..
Saw "Mr and Mrs Iyer" for nth time today, am not sure how many times more I will see it again.
Truth is, I am in love with the movie,
with the genuineness of the characters,
with Meenakshi's eyes when they open
with the lines "If I'd known.." and "Don't look away",
with the moment they have in train,
and above all with the surreal reality portrayed.
It captures love in its most beautiful form,
when its unintentional, unsaid and unnamed.. just felt.
when the world around seems so far away
the heart skips a beat every time one thinks about it
n that dreamy ticklish feeling is all that matters..
Poornima, the best writer who knows me and for me a very knowledgeable person concerning matters of love (by experience or otherwise), has a different view. I am not sure how highly she thinks of love when she says, "Its an illusion" and at the same time agrees that ".. every illusion that we hold is absolutely real for the time we hold it."
Now, people will say Ashish is a dreamer. Thanks to Reem, a chat pal and a fellow blogger, I already have an answer. She says, "Don't accuse me for being a dreamer, if reality didnt bore me so much, I would have been otherwise.. " My admiration of her attitude is just a question "Why does she even think of being otherwise, when the dreamer Reem is mystery enough for the world?"
Another of my good friends, a mathematician, tries to analyse the power of fiction in her blog. This reminds of a certain "Dead Poets' Society", of which I am surely a fan? Whats there to analyse in a verse, a movie, a painting or a picture? If words were to describe a beauty, whats the need of it?
I'd have shut the door..
Saw "Mr and Mrs Iyer" for nth time today, am not sure how many times more I will see it again.
Truth is, I am in love with the movie,
with the genuineness of the characters,
with Meenakshi's eyes when they open
with the lines "If I'd known.." and "Don't look away",
with the moment they have in train,
and above all with the surreal reality portrayed.
It captures love in its most beautiful form,
when its unintentional, unsaid and unnamed.. just felt.
when the world around seems so far away
the heart skips a beat every time one thinks about it
n that dreamy ticklish feeling is all that matters..
Poornima, the best writer who knows me and for me a very knowledgeable person concerning matters of love (by experience or otherwise), has a different view. I am not sure how highly she thinks of love when she says, "Its an illusion" and at the same time agrees that ".. every illusion that we hold is absolutely real for the time we hold it."
Now, people will say Ashish is a dreamer. Thanks to Reem, a chat pal and a fellow blogger, I already have an answer. She says, "Don't accuse me for being a dreamer, if reality didnt bore me so much, I would have been otherwise.. " My admiration of her attitude is just a question "Why does she even think of being otherwise, when the dreamer Reem is mystery enough for the world?"
Another of my good friends, a mathematician, tries to analyse the power of fiction in her blog. This reminds of a certain "Dead Poets' Society", of which I am surely a fan? Whats there to analyse in a verse, a movie, a painting or a picture? If words were to describe a beauty, whats the need of it?
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Some appreciation of Indian philosophy
"If I were asked under what sky the human mind has most fully developed some of its choicest gifts, has most deeply pondered over the greatest problems of life, and has found solutions of some of them which well deserve the attention even of those who have studied Plato and Kant, I should point to India. And if I were to ask myself from what literature we who have been nurtured almost exclusively on the thoughts of Greeks and Romans, and of the Semitic race, the Jewish, may draw the corrective which is most wanted in order to make our inner life more perfect, more comprehensive, more universal, in fact more truly human a life...again I should point to India."
--Max Muller
I wonder why not even an ounce of it was taught to me in school.
--Max Muller
I wonder why not even an ounce of it was taught to me in school.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
There and back again
Winter haven
Happy New Year
Joys/Blues of an international flight
Tabula Rasa
There and back again
...
Yea, you guessed right. These are various choices I have for the title before writing this post. Each one has a different story to tell. Can I weave all of these in one post? Lets try.
After having decided to spend the winters here itself, the trip to India, though dreamt of a zillion times, was applied for in a whim. Not very unlike me though. The heartbeat before asking for permission, the glitches while buying tickets, the bickerings over gifts and last night shopping, the ultimate laziness and adventure, the void on the return.. every experience seems like a distant dream now, which my fleeting memory failed to capture. The whole thing happened just the same way as take-off from Delhi airport, plane was already over Iran when my sleepy mind realized I was on it.
The purpose of going home this winter was to remind myself that there is another world out there, which was my own once. And that the last "was" and "once" used in the previous sentence is my shortsightedness. How successful was I? I think I would realize in a few months. The good thing is, there is a strong possibility that I will get this chance every winter.
One outcome of the trip is partial offloading of an old baggage, something that I had been carrying for almost four years now and something which I always hoped will become a part of me someday. But heaviness of the load and the long wait had started itching too bad. So with the dip in the holy Ganges on new year day, I promised myself a search for more realistic happiness without cursing whatever happened.
The new year beckons with freshness and relief, with vision and a belief.
Happy New Year
Joys/Blues of an international flight
Tabula Rasa
There and back again
...
Yea, you guessed right. These are various choices I have for the title before writing this post. Each one has a different story to tell. Can I weave all of these in one post? Lets try.
After having decided to spend the winters here itself, the trip to India, though dreamt of a zillion times, was applied for in a whim. Not very unlike me though. The heartbeat before asking for permission, the glitches while buying tickets, the bickerings over gifts and last night shopping, the ultimate laziness and adventure, the void on the return.. every experience seems like a distant dream now, which my fleeting memory failed to capture. The whole thing happened just the same way as take-off from Delhi airport, plane was already over Iran when my sleepy mind realized I was on it.
The purpose of going home this winter was to remind myself that there is another world out there, which was my own once. And that the last "was" and "once" used in the previous sentence is my shortsightedness. How successful was I? I think I would realize in a few months. The good thing is, there is a strong possibility that I will get this chance every winter.
One outcome of the trip is partial offloading of an old baggage, something that I had been carrying for almost four years now and something which I always hoped will become a part of me someday. But heaviness of the load and the long wait had started itching too bad. So with the dip in the holy Ganges on new year day, I promised myself a search for more realistic happiness without cursing whatever happened.
The new year beckons with freshness and relief, with vision and a belief.
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