Roller Coaster ride

Oft-repeated & pretty lame anology one always attaches to life. But, it is apt. Nothing else matches life more. I seem to be in the trough for a long time now. I do not remember when and how, but I somehow have lost some vital ingredient in the recipe of contentment. It feels as if God has triggered some "yearn" switch inside me and has forgotten to add the object/thing to yearn for. The mind is convoluted thoughtwise and empty contentwise. One content that I desperately tried to imbue myself with for the past two years is the feeling of love. One can say that I was not the most fortunate person in love but the real reason was I simply overlooked our incompatibility and inappropriateness of my intentions. The result is I find myself falling in a bottomless abyss, discovering new lows every day waiting for the end when I strike the bottom. But life's different. Dented pride, zero self-confidence, no motivation about anything, an unrequited love and a depression aren't the only lows it has to offer. How I hope to just evaporate out of this misery?

Future has promise today

Everything is falling back to place. All the conditions dictating my mental health are moving towards stability. Everyone says life is always up and down. I do not disagree but the amplitude and frequency of this up-down should be under control. For me everything was going haywire. Till now, I am trying to assess the whole episode and hopefully learn my lessons. I do not know how much I have succeeded but for a strong urge to not let myself succumb to the same mess again. However, I want to move to a state where I do not have to be careful of my failings. I want to conquer them once and forever.

Sometimes I look for support from someone not infallible but someone complementary and compatible. And its not only about sense and sensibilities. I feel a child in me, who wants to be pampered, doted, even scolded sometimes and, most importantly, wanted for just being me. I wonder how I always go on demanding from life. Its always I want, I need, I feel and never I am. I want to reach the 'I am' stage. In other words, I want to get rid of my wants :-)

Demands

"All your demands, if not extravagant, will be fulfilled"

Funny statement, almost a double oxymoron for me (atleast for now). All my demands are infact extravagant, and have absolutely no chance of being fulfilled. Anyways ditch that, there's no use. Lets just identify all of them with no pressure on destiny to meet any. I demand a mind clear of dilemmas, excited about future; a feeling of curosity when I wake up in the morning and of content when i go to bed. Is this extravagance, I will not ask. May be the right way to handle this will be thinking about my part rather than destiny's.

Frankly speaking, I have no idea how to achieve this, how to end this ever burning restlessnes, this feeling that something vital is amiss. The constant yearning nature of my mind haunts me. I feel asif I am standing alone in the vastness of time. I see a desert all over, inside of my soul is void of effort and my world outside is void of people, I see sand everwhere, sand of emotions, untended, dry and whimsical.

cute lines

This is about the girl I love,
No qualms, there's none above.

She drives me crazy is the usual way,
"She makes me me",is what I'd say.

Moist in her eyes makes me cry,
A sight of hers,and I can die.

Million miles away she seems to be,
When she keeps silent,doesn't talk to me.

A day will come when she will be mine,
Life will be cool,lets say "just fine".

-- I find this very kiddish, but why should I kill the child in me :-P

Is intensity...

.. of thoughts a concern? The wild fluctuations, the mood swings faster than an eyeblink, the restlessness.. Is everything just a phase that everyone goes through? If yes, then why cant someone do something about it? Why is everything kept under wraps? Is this because same situations pose different concerns to different poeple and likewise, everyone has to look for one's own answers.
My straight simple story is I was not diligent enough at work and am paying for it. But why can anyone not accept that there were other reasons as well? May be I fell in a worldly trap of working for rewards, where a more rational thinking is to work for survival of spirit. The allusion to bhagwadgita is not a mere coincidence here. Everyone knows people die for lack of food but no-one told me what happens when one's away from work. I hate myself for getting that simple thing too late.

Fears of a haunted mind

Is fear driving me or is it an just impulsive force trying to break my inertia? And fear of what: future, peers? Fear matters for sure, but its kind.. dunno. Is it not that fear drives losers; winners have ambitions? So, I too will have to make this transition sometime sooner than later.
Ambition comes after fear in the hierarchy of driving forces. It surely can lead one somewhere but that somewhere is too far to be felt now. How can one predecide that one would like it? May be going up is not the solution. A perfect setting would be to have everything here itself, a blissful state of mind regardless of situations. I do not want to be a sanyasi, but enjoying life without craving for it should be possible. Desires should offload the pain they cause when not fulfilled. May be this state comes after going through a lot, but who asked for free lunches ?

Quarter-life crisis (continues.. )

Once I looked up, I saw the sun,
Brave would've faced it, I could only run.
Gifted with a dream, little did I care
And spilled everything, my hands lay bare
I think of ruin, I think of plunder
When will I realize, it is a blunder
They talk of phoenix, people of old lore
Its rising from ashes, not the burning before

It still does