If I'd known...

If I'd known, how savage love is
I'd have shut the door..

Saw "Mr and Mrs Iyer" for nth time today, am not sure how many times more I will see it again.

Truth is, I am in love with the movie,
with the genuineness of the characters,
with Meenakshi's eyes when they open
with the lines "If I'd known.." and "Don't look away",
with the moment they have in train,
and above all with the surreal reality portrayed.

It captures love in its most beautiful form,
when its unintentional, unsaid and unnamed.. just felt.
when the world around seems so far away
the heart skips a beat every time one thinks about it
n that dreamy ticklish feeling is all that matters..

Poornima, the best writer who knows me and for me a very knowledgeable person concerning matters of love (by experience or otherwise), has a different view. I am not sure how highly she thinks of love when she says, "Its an illusion" and at the same time agrees that ".. every illusion that we hold is absolutely real for the time we hold it."

Now, people will say Ashish is a dreamer. Thanks to Reem, a chat pal and a fellow blogger, I already have an answer. She says, "Don't accuse me for being a dreamer, if reality didnt bore me so much, I would have been otherwise.. " My admiration of her attitude is just a question "Why does she even think of being otherwise, when the dreamer Reem is mystery enough for the world?"

Another of my good friends, a mathematician, tries to analyse the power of fiction in her blog. This reminds of a certain "Dead Poets' Society", of which I am surely a fan? Whats there to analyse in a verse, a movie, a painting or a picture? If words were to describe a beauty, whats the need of it?

Some appreciation of Indian philosophy

"If I were asked under what sky the human mind has most fully developed some of its choicest gifts, has most deeply pondered over the greatest problems of life, and has found solutions of some of them which well deserve the attention even of those who have studied Plato and Kant, I should point to India. And if I were to ask myself from what literature we who have been nurtured almost exclusively on the thoughts of Greeks and Romans, and of the Semitic race, the Jewish, may draw the corrective which is most wanted in order to make our inner life more perfect, more comprehensive, more universal, in fact more truly human a life...again I should point to India."

--Max Muller

I wonder why not even an ounce of it was taught to me in school.

There and back again

Winter haven
Happy New Year
Joys/Blues of an international flight
Tabula Rasa
There and back again
...

Yea, you guessed right. These are various choices I have for the title before writing this post. Each one has a different story to tell. Can I weave all of these in one post? Lets try.

After having decided to spend the winters here itself, the trip to India, though dreamt of a zillion times, was applied for in a whim. Not very unlike me though. The heartbeat before asking for permission, the glitches while buying tickets, the bickerings over gifts and last night shopping, the ultimate laziness and adventure, the void on the return.. every experience seems like a distant dream now, which my fleeting memory failed to capture. The whole thing happened just the same way as take-off from Delhi airport, plane was already over Iran when my sleepy mind realized I was on it.

The purpose of going home this winter was to remind myself that there is another world out there, which was my own once. And that the last "was" and "once" used in the previous sentence is my shortsightedness. How successful was I? I think I would realize in a few months. The good thing is, there is a strong possibility that I will get this chance every winter.

One outcome of the trip is partial offloading of an old baggage, something that I had been carrying for almost four years now and something which I always hoped will become a part of me someday. But heaviness of the load and the long wait had started itching too bad. So with the dip in the holy Ganges on new year day, I promised myself a search for more realistic happiness without cursing whatever happened.

The new year beckons with freshness and relief, with vision and a belief.

Going home today...

..after 4 short months with some long days. Still unsure, still in unrest and still ungainly, but more at ease with the unsurety, in control of the unrest and a little less fazed by the ungainliness. Giving some break to a time which is just learning to fly, going back to the old time, of thousand flights. Dunno if I am prepared for this change? The question thats irking me is will I be able to adjust to the old time, which I had left so far.

Speaking of preparation creates another question in my mind. Am I carrying too much baggage or is it the same as everone else's? Will be carrying two bags for sure, an old one and a borrowed one. I always want to dump the old one, to bury it at some place, where none of my insubordinate thoughts can ever discover it. But it still sticks with me like a shadow, hopping from one place to another, from one time to another. Though a borrowed one, the new bag, not mine originally, looks so good. Still mixed, it seems to have the right ingredients. Sometimes, I hope I knew how to preserve bags or how to change them at will.

Aankh se duur na ho

Song: Aankh Se Door Na Ho
Album: Sajda
Lyricist: ??
Singer: Lata Mangeshkar

Heard it last week on a friend's recommendation. Its about two lovers who are having a hard time. One of them wants to part ways temporarily. So the other one, who is against this, gives his arguments (I'll assume the female wants to go. It can also be the other way round though):

aankh se duur na ho dil se utar jaayegaa
vaqt kaa kyaa hai guzarataa hai guzar jaayegaa

Please do not go away, becuase then I may forget you forever. However hard the time is it will pass someday. It always does. So, its better to stay together and endure rather than part and forget each other.

itanaa maanuus na ho Khilvat-e-Gam se apanii
tuu kabhii Khud ko bhii dekhegaa to Dar jaayegaa

Do not think of pains in your solitude so much that you start fearing yourself. Always brooding over one's worries makes it worse, lets share them and we will feel better.

tum sareraah-e-vafaa dekhate rah jaaoge
aur vo baam-e-rafaaqat se utar jaayegaa

If we part now, one of us will always hope to get back but the other will just move on. There will be "nothing left to weather".

zindagii terii ataa hai to ye jaanevaalaa
terii bakshiish terii dahaliiz pe dhar jaayegaa

And in the end, when nothing works, he gives the ultimate threat --> I consider my life as your gift, you have made it worth living. So, if we part I'll shun it at your doorstep itself.

Another one

I came across this song a few days ago, though must have heard it a thousand times in the past without giving serious thought to its meaning. Listened to it carefully when someone asked for the meaning at an Orkut fan club. Here's my interpretation.

Song: O Maanjhi Re
Album: Khusboo (1975)
Composer: R.D. Burman

The singer is in a comtempletive mood, thinking about his philosophy of life. He compares it to a boat flowing along with a river. As with all Gulzar songs, the beauty lies in potraying human emotions via a simple natural setting.

O Maanjhi Re O Maanjhi Re
Apna Kinara
Nadiya Ki Dhara Hai
O Maanjhi Re

"kinara" in this song has different meanings .. here it refers to a haven/resting place... in the above lines, gulzaar captures the mood of "going with the flow" .. nadiya ki dhara can refer to "vagaries of life".. so he probably means I (the singer) take all ups and downs of life as they come ..


Saahilon Pe Behenewale
Kabhi Suna To Hoga Kahi Oooo
Oooo Kagazon Ki Kashtiyon Ka
Kahi Kinara Hota Nahi
O Maanjhi Re Maanjhi Re
Koi Kinara Jo Kinare Se Mile Woh
Apna Kinara Hai
O Maanjhi Re

"saahil" refers to a safe place.. "sahilon pe behnewale" means people who plan their life, are averse to changes.. "kagaz ki kashti" has the nature of going where the flow takes it.. it never contradicts the flow, just floats along.. so, the singer is telling people who live a comfortable, planned life, they must know that his (singer's) kind of people are always carefree, never plan or worry.. "kinara" in the last lines refers to people like the singer himself .. he says its so blissful to find someone like oneself in life


Paniyon Mein Behe Rahe hain
Kayi Kinare Toote Huve Oooo
Oooo Raaston Mein Mil Gaye Hain
Kabhi Saharein Choote Huve
Koi Sahara Majdhare Mein Mile Jo
Apna Sahara Hai
O Maanjhi Re

"kinare toote huve" -- people who have faced difficulties in the past. in life, one comes across many people who have faced a lot .. and it feels good to share one's feelings with such people.. talking to such people gives the courage to continue.. and in the process, without much ado, one finds the missing things of life. "majdhar" means the right in the middle of difficulties/life.. if someone is a help in the most difficult time of life, that person is a real companion


O Maanjhi Re O Maanjhi Re
Apna Kinara
Nadiya Ki Dhara Hai
O Maanjhi Re

As it is

I haven't written for a long long time; was busy being swept away by the tides of destiny. Its not as if i was unaware of what was happening around me but somehow there is a feeling of being controlled by an authority beyond comprehension. Sometimes I wonder what factors control my current state of mind. I know there will be many but I am still to identify any.

The only observation that I am able to make is my mind's acceptance of any state is inversely proportional to the time length of that state. Accepting this, I need to search for the causes. One obvious and I should say a superficious cause, seems to be my habit of procrastination. Deeper analysis may reveal something more fundamental and may also help me getting rid of this conundrum. The demons of self-doubt however eat up all light of knowledge. But wait a minute, should this not be my aim just to lay these demons to rest.

This was in my drafts for more than 2 months. I think it has little chance of getting completed, so publishing it as it is.