There are times when I sit in front of the computer and fingers just start typing. Thoughts have words with well defined meanings and are eager to make their journey from my mind to this console. Those are the days when everyone and everything around makes sense, good or bad is a separate matter. When I know I am Ashish and Ashish has his joys, sorrows, ambitions, doubts, plans, dreams, fantasies, friends, relatives, life. All these things are present and purposeful just like the background music of a movie. You hardly notice it, but its always there. Remove it and there's an eerie haunting silence.
And there are days when its confusing. When I know I am Ashish but I do not know what it means? I cannot say its a doubt, confusion or fear, because its something language (or at least my knowledge of it) fails to capture. The feeling is so flimsy that words dilute it, sounds mute it, and a search obscures it. Its like being restricted in a cell, when you know there's something beyond but don't know what. Or like living in absolute darkness and being comfortable with it for most of the time.
I think everyone experiences something similar, in inexplicitness if not in description. And everyone has his/her own solution. Some run away from it by engaging themselves in other simpler things, answering simpler questions, some others close their eyes towards it to deny its existence, a few try to face it, look for answers. For most the subtleness is too hard to perceive, and the comfort comes by associating it with all kinds of things.
The question that I have, with no definite answer, is what should I do, if anything at all?
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Monday, February 13, 2006
Pet Peeves
"Tagged" by Manish, here's my list of 20 :
1) Punjabi aunties (all of them on the other side of 100 kg) who say, "Hai, kinna patla hain ve mundiya tu !! Kaka, sehat bana hun kuch khaya peeya kar"
2) "Oh, you are in US, my uncle's friend's neighbour's son is also there (only 2000 miles from your place). This is his number. Since you are new there na beta, I have told him to take care of you. Do give him a call."
3) Indian/American Idol and all such crap.
4) Advertisements at channels here.
5) "Kya hua ? kuch le kyun nahi rahe ? ek aur roti lo, bahut achchi bani hai. sharmao mat apna hi ghar samjhoo (aur pet kiska samjhaun). "
6) People smoking in trains/buses/public places/homes/anywhere.
7) Indiatimes/TOI
8) Any Tom, Dick or Harry saying "Gandhi/Bose/Nehru/../.. was an idiot, #@*&^"
9) Infra-structure/cleanliness/corruption in India, the "chalta hai" attitude and its mute/helpless/hapless/coward witnesses like me.
10) Chauvinism
11) Unavailability of Bollywood movies where I live :((
12) Rather frequent injuries of Sachin.
13) Hours I spend (read waste) on the new age idiot box (read computer).
14) People with bad breath/body odor.
15) Mobile ringing,people talking/moving in front of screen during a movie in a theater.
16) "I'm on the way, reaching in 15 minutes." "Sirf 1 ganta toh late hoon, itna toh chalta hai yaar"
17) "what else", "aur bata", "u say".....
18) Did practically nothing this week. Meeting with advisor tomorrow. What the hell, lets finish this blog/movie/novel
No clean clothes to wear. No detergent. No enthu to do laundry.
No firewire on my computer and no USB movie transfer from my camcorder. Not buying a firewire and living with the misery for 2 years now.
Yes, the most feared word in the dictionary "PROCRASTINATION"
19) Number of comments on my blog (I guess this is a very common one)
20) --NAFTP-- Not appropriate for this place.
So, how many do you share with me ?
1) Punjabi aunties (all of them on the other side of 100 kg) who say, "Hai, kinna patla hain ve mundiya tu !! Kaka, sehat bana hun kuch khaya peeya kar"
2) "Oh, you are in US, my uncle's friend's neighbour's son is also there (only 2000 miles from your place). This is his number. Since you are new there na beta, I have told him to take care of you. Do give him a call."
3) Indian/American Idol and all such crap.
4) Advertisements at channels here.
5) "Kya hua ? kuch le kyun nahi rahe ? ek aur roti lo, bahut achchi bani hai. sharmao mat apna hi ghar samjhoo (aur pet kiska samjhaun). "
6) People smoking in trains/buses/public places/homes/anywhere.
7) Indiatimes/TOI
8) Any Tom, Dick or Harry saying "Gandhi/Bose/Nehru/../.. was an idiot, #@*&^"
9) Infra-structure/cleanliness/corruption in India, the "chalta hai" attitude and its mute/helpless/hapless/coward witnesses like me.
10) Chauvinism
11) Unavailability of Bollywood movies where I live :((
12) Rather frequent injuries of Sachin.
13) Hours I spend (read waste) on the new age idiot box (read computer).
14) People with bad breath/body odor.
15) Mobile ringing,people talking/moving in front of screen during a movie in a theater.
16) "I'm on the way, reaching in 15 minutes." "Sirf 1 ganta toh late hoon, itna toh chalta hai yaar"
17) "what else", "aur bata", "u say".....
18) Did practically nothing this week. Meeting with advisor tomorrow. What the hell, lets finish this blog/movie/novel
No clean clothes to wear. No detergent. No enthu to do laundry.
No firewire on my computer and no USB movie transfer from my camcorder. Not buying a firewire and living with the misery for 2 years now.
Yes, the most feared word in the dictionary "PROCRASTINATION"
19) Number of comments on my blog (I guess this is a very common one)
20) --NAFTP-- Not appropriate for this place.
So, how many do you share with me ?
Saturday, January 28, 2006
If I'd known...
If I'd known, how savage love is
I'd have shut the door..
Saw "Mr and Mrs Iyer" for nth time today, am not sure how many times more I will see it again.
Truth is, I am in love with the movie,
with the genuineness of the characters,
with Meenakshi's eyes when they open
with the lines "If I'd known.." and "Don't look away",
with the moment they have in train,
and above all with the surreal reality portrayed.
It captures love in its most beautiful form,
when its unintentional, unsaid and unnamed.. just felt.
when the world around seems so far away
the heart skips a beat every time one thinks about it
n that dreamy ticklish feeling is all that matters..
Poornima, the best writer who knows me and for me a very knowledgeable person concerning matters of love (by experience or otherwise), has a different view. I am not sure how highly she thinks of love when she says, "Its an illusion" and at the same time agrees that ".. every illusion that we hold is absolutely real for the time we hold it."
Now, people will say Ashish is a dreamer. Thanks to Reem, a chat pal and a fellow blogger, I already have an answer. She says, "Don't accuse me for being a dreamer, if reality didnt bore me so much, I would have been otherwise.. " My admiration of her attitude is just a question "Why does she even think of being otherwise, when the dreamer Reem is mystery enough for the world?"
Another of my good friends, a mathematician, tries to analyse the power of fiction in her blog. This reminds of a certain "Dead Poets' Society", of which I am surely a fan? Whats there to analyse in a verse, a movie, a painting or a picture? If words were to describe a beauty, whats the need of it?
I'd have shut the door..
Saw "Mr and Mrs Iyer" for nth time today, am not sure how many times more I will see it again.
Truth is, I am in love with the movie,
with the genuineness of the characters,
with Meenakshi's eyes when they open
with the lines "If I'd known.." and "Don't look away",
with the moment they have in train,
and above all with the surreal reality portrayed.
It captures love in its most beautiful form,
when its unintentional, unsaid and unnamed.. just felt.
when the world around seems so far away
the heart skips a beat every time one thinks about it
n that dreamy ticklish feeling is all that matters..
Poornima, the best writer who knows me and for me a very knowledgeable person concerning matters of love (by experience or otherwise), has a different view. I am not sure how highly she thinks of love when she says, "Its an illusion" and at the same time agrees that ".. every illusion that we hold is absolutely real for the time we hold it."
Now, people will say Ashish is a dreamer. Thanks to Reem, a chat pal and a fellow blogger, I already have an answer. She says, "Don't accuse me for being a dreamer, if reality didnt bore me so much, I would have been otherwise.. " My admiration of her attitude is just a question "Why does she even think of being otherwise, when the dreamer Reem is mystery enough for the world?"
Another of my good friends, a mathematician, tries to analyse the power of fiction in her blog. This reminds of a certain "Dead Poets' Society", of which I am surely a fan? Whats there to analyse in a verse, a movie, a painting or a picture? If words were to describe a beauty, whats the need of it?
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Some appreciation of Indian philosophy
"If I were asked under what sky the human mind has most fully developed some of its choicest gifts, has most deeply pondered over the greatest problems of life, and has found solutions of some of them which well deserve the attention even of those who have studied Plato and Kant, I should point to India. And if I were to ask myself from what literature we who have been nurtured almost exclusively on the thoughts of Greeks and Romans, and of the Semitic race, the Jewish, may draw the corrective which is most wanted in order to make our inner life more perfect, more comprehensive, more universal, in fact more truly human a life...again I should point to India."
--Max Muller
I wonder why not even an ounce of it was taught to me in school.
--Max Muller
I wonder why not even an ounce of it was taught to me in school.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
There and back again
Winter haven
Happy New Year
Joys/Blues of an international flight
Tabula Rasa
There and back again
...
Yea, you guessed right. These are various choices I have for the title before writing this post. Each one has a different story to tell. Can I weave all of these in one post? Lets try.
After having decided to spend the winters here itself, the trip to India, though dreamt of a zillion times, was applied for in a whim. Not very unlike me though. The heartbeat before asking for permission, the glitches while buying tickets, the bickerings over gifts and last night shopping, the ultimate laziness and adventure, the void on the return.. every experience seems like a distant dream now, which my fleeting memory failed to capture. The whole thing happened just the same way as take-off from Delhi airport, plane was already over Iran when my sleepy mind realized I was on it.
The purpose of going home this winter was to remind myself that there is another world out there, which was my own once. And that the last "was" and "once" used in the previous sentence is my shortsightedness. How successful was I? I think I would realize in a few months. The good thing is, there is a strong possibility that I will get this chance every winter.
One outcome of the trip is partial offloading of an old baggage, something that I had been carrying for almost four years now and something which I always hoped will become a part of me someday. But heaviness of the load and the long wait had started itching too bad. So with the dip in the holy Ganges on new year day, I promised myself a search for more realistic happiness without cursing whatever happened.
The new year beckons with freshness and relief, with vision and a belief.
Happy New Year
Joys/Blues of an international flight
Tabula Rasa
There and back again
...
Yea, you guessed right. These are various choices I have for the title before writing this post. Each one has a different story to tell. Can I weave all of these in one post? Lets try.
After having decided to spend the winters here itself, the trip to India, though dreamt of a zillion times, was applied for in a whim. Not very unlike me though. The heartbeat before asking for permission, the glitches while buying tickets, the bickerings over gifts and last night shopping, the ultimate laziness and adventure, the void on the return.. every experience seems like a distant dream now, which my fleeting memory failed to capture. The whole thing happened just the same way as take-off from Delhi airport, plane was already over Iran when my sleepy mind realized I was on it.
The purpose of going home this winter was to remind myself that there is another world out there, which was my own once. And that the last "was" and "once" used in the previous sentence is my shortsightedness. How successful was I? I think I would realize in a few months. The good thing is, there is a strong possibility that I will get this chance every winter.
One outcome of the trip is partial offloading of an old baggage, something that I had been carrying for almost four years now and something which I always hoped will become a part of me someday. But heaviness of the load and the long wait had started itching too bad. So with the dip in the holy Ganges on new year day, I promised myself a search for more realistic happiness without cursing whatever happened.
The new year beckons with freshness and relief, with vision and a belief.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Going home today...
..after 4 short months with some long days. Still unsure, still in unrest and still ungainly, but more at ease with the unsurety, in control of the unrest and a little less fazed by the ungainliness. Giving some break to a time which is just learning to fly, going back to the old time, of thousand flights. Dunno if I am prepared for this change? The question thats irking me is will I be able to adjust to the old time, which I had left so far.
Speaking of preparation creates another question in my mind. Am I carrying too much baggage or is it the same as everone else's? Will be carrying two bags for sure, an old one and a borrowed one. I always want to dump the old one, to bury it at some place, where none of my insubordinate thoughts can ever discover it. But it still sticks with me like a shadow, hopping from one place to another, from one time to another. Though a borrowed one, the new bag, not mine originally, looks so good. Still mixed, it seems to have the right ingredients. Sometimes, I hope I knew how to preserve bags or how to change them at will.
Speaking of preparation creates another question in my mind. Am I carrying too much baggage or is it the same as everone else's? Will be carrying two bags for sure, an old one and a borrowed one. I always want to dump the old one, to bury it at some place, where none of my insubordinate thoughts can ever discover it. But it still sticks with me like a shadow, hopping from one place to another, from one time to another. Though a borrowed one, the new bag, not mine originally, looks so good. Still mixed, it seems to have the right ingredients. Sometimes, I hope I knew how to preserve bags or how to change them at will.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Aankh se duur na ho
Song: Aankh Se Door Na Ho
Album: Sajda
Lyricist: ??
Singer: Lata Mangeshkar
Heard it last week on a friend's recommendation. Its about two lovers who are having a hard time. One of them wants to part ways temporarily. So the other one, who is against this, gives his arguments (I'll assume the female wants to go. It can also be the other way round though):
aankh se duur na ho dil se utar jaayegaa
vaqt kaa kyaa hai guzarataa hai guzar jaayegaa
Please do not go away, becuase then I may forget you forever. However hard the time is it will pass someday. It always does. So, its better to stay together and endure rather than part and forget each other.
itanaa maanuus na ho Khilvat-e-Gam se apanii
tuu kabhii Khud ko bhii dekhegaa to Dar jaayegaa
Do not think of pains in your solitude so much that you start fearing yourself. Always brooding over one's worries makes it worse, lets share them and we will feel better.
tum sareraah-e-vafaa dekhate rah jaaoge
aur vo baam-e-rafaaqat se utar jaayegaa
If we part now, one of us will always hope to get back but the other will just move on. There will be "nothing left to weather".
zindagii terii ataa hai to ye jaanevaalaa
terii bakshiish terii dahaliiz pe dhar jaayegaa
And in the end, when nothing works, he gives the ultimate threat --> I consider my life as your gift, you have made it worth living. So, if we part I'll shun it at your doorstep itself.
Album: Sajda
Lyricist: ??
Singer: Lata Mangeshkar
Heard it last week on a friend's recommendation. Its about two lovers who are having a hard time. One of them wants to part ways temporarily. So the other one, who is against this, gives his arguments (I'll assume the female wants to go. It can also be the other way round though):
aankh se duur na ho dil se utar jaayegaa
vaqt kaa kyaa hai guzarataa hai guzar jaayegaa
Please do not go away, becuase then I may forget you forever. However hard the time is it will pass someday. It always does. So, its better to stay together and endure rather than part and forget each other.
itanaa maanuus na ho Khilvat-e-Gam se apanii
tuu kabhii Khud ko bhii dekhegaa to Dar jaayegaa
Do not think of pains in your solitude so much that you start fearing yourself. Always brooding over one's worries makes it worse, lets share them and we will feel better.
tum sareraah-e-vafaa dekhate rah jaaoge
aur vo baam-e-rafaaqat se utar jaayegaa
If we part now, one of us will always hope to get back but the other will just move on. There will be "nothing left to weather".
zindagii terii ataa hai to ye jaanevaalaa
terii bakshiish terii dahaliiz pe dhar jaayegaa
And in the end, when nothing works, he gives the ultimate threat --> I consider my life as your gift, you have made it worth living. So, if we part I'll shun it at your doorstep itself.
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