Going home today...

..after 4 short months with some long days. Still unsure, still in unrest and still ungainly, but more at ease with the unsurety, in control of the unrest and a little less fazed by the ungainliness. Giving some break to a time which is just learning to fly, going back to the old time, of thousand flights. Dunno if I am prepared for this change? The question thats irking me is will I be able to adjust to the old time, which I had left so far.

Speaking of preparation creates another question in my mind. Am I carrying too much baggage or is it the same as everone else's? Will be carrying two bags for sure, an old one and a borrowed one. I always want to dump the old one, to bury it at some place, where none of my insubordinate thoughts can ever discover it. But it still sticks with me like a shadow, hopping from one place to another, from one time to another. Though a borrowed one, the new bag, not mine originally, looks so good. Still mixed, it seems to have the right ingredients. Sometimes, I hope I knew how to preserve bags or how to change them at will.

Aankh se duur na ho

Song: Aankh Se Door Na Ho
Album: Sajda
Lyricist: ??
Singer: Lata Mangeshkar

Heard it last week on a friend's recommendation. Its about two lovers who are having a hard time. One of them wants to part ways temporarily. So the other one, who is against this, gives his arguments (I'll assume the female wants to go. It can also be the other way round though):

aankh se duur na ho dil se utar jaayegaa
vaqt kaa kyaa hai guzarataa hai guzar jaayegaa

Please do not go away, becuase then I may forget you forever. However hard the time is it will pass someday. It always does. So, its better to stay together and endure rather than part and forget each other.

itanaa maanuus na ho Khilvat-e-Gam se apanii
tuu kabhii Khud ko bhii dekhegaa to Dar jaayegaa

Do not think of pains in your solitude so much that you start fearing yourself. Always brooding over one's worries makes it worse, lets share them and we will feel better.

tum sareraah-e-vafaa dekhate rah jaaoge
aur vo baam-e-rafaaqat se utar jaayegaa

If we part now, one of us will always hope to get back but the other will just move on. There will be "nothing left to weather".

zindagii terii ataa hai to ye jaanevaalaa
terii bakshiish terii dahaliiz pe dhar jaayegaa

And in the end, when nothing works, he gives the ultimate threat --> I consider my life as your gift, you have made it worth living. So, if we part I'll shun it at your doorstep itself.

Another one

I came across this song a few days ago, though must have heard it a thousand times in the past without giving serious thought to its meaning. Listened to it carefully when someone asked for the meaning at an Orkut fan club. Here's my interpretation.

Song: O Maanjhi Re
Album: Khusboo (1975)
Composer: R.D. Burman

The singer is in a comtempletive mood, thinking about his philosophy of life. He compares it to a boat flowing along with a river. As with all Gulzar songs, the beauty lies in potraying human emotions via a simple natural setting.

O Maanjhi Re O Maanjhi Re
Apna Kinara
Nadiya Ki Dhara Hai
O Maanjhi Re

"kinara" in this song has different meanings .. here it refers to a haven/resting place... in the above lines, gulzaar captures the mood of "going with the flow" .. nadiya ki dhara can refer to "vagaries of life".. so he probably means I (the singer) take all ups and downs of life as they come ..


Saahilon Pe Behenewale
Kabhi Suna To Hoga Kahi Oooo
Oooo Kagazon Ki Kashtiyon Ka
Kahi Kinara Hota Nahi
O Maanjhi Re Maanjhi Re
Koi Kinara Jo Kinare Se Mile Woh
Apna Kinara Hai
O Maanjhi Re

"saahil" refers to a safe place.. "sahilon pe behnewale" means people who plan their life, are averse to changes.. "kagaz ki kashti" has the nature of going where the flow takes it.. it never contradicts the flow, just floats along.. so, the singer is telling people who live a comfortable, planned life, they must know that his (singer's) kind of people are always carefree, never plan or worry.. "kinara" in the last lines refers to people like the singer himself .. he says its so blissful to find someone like oneself in life


Paniyon Mein Behe Rahe hain
Kayi Kinare Toote Huve Oooo
Oooo Raaston Mein Mil Gaye Hain
Kabhi Saharein Choote Huve
Koi Sahara Majdhare Mein Mile Jo
Apna Sahara Hai
O Maanjhi Re

"kinare toote huve" -- people who have faced difficulties in the past. in life, one comes across many people who have faced a lot .. and it feels good to share one's feelings with such people.. talking to such people gives the courage to continue.. and in the process, without much ado, one finds the missing things of life. "majdhar" means the right in the middle of difficulties/life.. if someone is a help in the most difficult time of life, that person is a real companion


O Maanjhi Re O Maanjhi Re
Apna Kinara
Nadiya Ki Dhara Hai
O Maanjhi Re

As it is

I haven't written for a long long time; was busy being swept away by the tides of destiny. Its not as if i was unaware of what was happening around me but somehow there is a feeling of being controlled by an authority beyond comprehension. Sometimes I wonder what factors control my current state of mind. I know there will be many but I am still to identify any.

The only observation that I am able to make is my mind's acceptance of any state is inversely proportional to the time length of that state. Accepting this, I need to search for the causes. One obvious and I should say a superficious cause, seems to be my habit of procrastination. Deeper analysis may reveal something more fundamental and may also help me getting rid of this conundrum. The demons of self-doubt however eat up all light of knowledge. But wait a minute, should this not be my aim just to lay these demons to rest.

This was in my drafts for more than 2 months. I think it has little chance of getting completed, so publishing it as it is.

The god of "keeping it simple"

Who else but gulzar? Lately, I've been mesmerised by his writings, as much by simplicity of his words as by depth of their meannings. Tried to interpret a couple of my favourite songs. Here's one of them.

The song : Aaja Maahi
Album : Fiza
Composer : A R Rehman

This song finds beauty in ordinary natural events and relates it to the effervescence of a clandestine love in the simplest of words. Stunning cinematography and great music make it a delight to hear/watch.

Sohne maahi re...Maahi maahi re...
Maahi maahi re...Maahi maahi re...
Maahi maahi re...Maahi maahi re...
Aaja mahi mere..Aaja mahi mere
Aaja mahi mere..aa
Aaja mahi mere..Aaja mahi mere
Aaja mahi mere..aa

Aa dhoop maloon main..tere haathon mein
Aa sajda karoon main..tere baathon pe
Ho subah ki mehendi..chhalak rahi hai

Dhoop is compared to mehndi. The color of dhoop is the color of joy and rubbing mehndi signifies an act of celebration/rejoicing for the girl (or marriage), the boy says let me bring joy to your life (by marrying you). "Sajda karna" here signifies revering. The boy means he is devoted to whatever the girl says.

Aaja..Aaja mahiya..aaja mahiya
Aaja..Aaja mahiya..ho..aaja mahiya
Aaja mahi mere..Aaja mahi mere
Aaja mahi mere..aa
Aaja mahi mere..Aaja mahi mere
Aaja mahi mere..aa

Aahista pukaaro..sab sunlenge
Bas labon se choolo..lab sunlenge
Haan...aankh bhi kal se phadak rahi hai

The girl is shy and afraid lest everyone listens to their conversation. At the same time, she is bold and says leave the talk and get to business :P Or euphemistically, she says "my lips will know what your lips say". "aankh phadakna" is considered a sign of excitement about something happening, she is hopeful that something might happen between them.

Aaja..Aaja mahiya..aaja mahiya
Aaja..Aaja mahiya..ho..aaja mahiya

Ek noor se aankhen chaunk gayeen
Dekha jo tujhe aaine mein
Ek noor se aankhen chaunk gayeen
Dekha jo tujhe aaine mein
Aaja mahiya,Aaja mahiya
Koi noor kiran hogi woh bhi
Jo chubne lagi hai seene me

The boy says, "I was amazed because I saw you when I looked into the mirror. I am seeing you in the mirrors now, may be some memory of yours is teasing me."


Aaja mahiya
Aaja mahiya
Aa dhoop maloon main..tere haathon mein
Aa sajda karoon main..tere haathon mein
Ho subah ki mehendi..chalak rahi hai
Aaja..
Aaja mahiya..ho..aaja mahiya
Aaja..Aaja mahiya..ho..aaja mahiya
Mahi mahi re...Mahi mahi re...Mahi mahi re...

Laal ho jab yeh shaam kinara
Orha dena sar pe saara
Laal ho jab yeh shaam kinara
Orh ha dena sar pe saara
Aaja mahiya, Aaja mahiya
Chal roke le suraj chhup jaayega
Paani mein gir ke bujh jaayega

These are my favourite lines. The sun, in bright red colour, looks marvellous at twilight. She asks the boy to wrap around her head that most beautiful "dupatta". If one looks at the setting sun by the seaside, it seems as it is being extinguished by falling into the sea. The poets compares this to a beautiful time being lost. So the boys asks her to save forever this beautiful time they have spent together.


Aaja mahiya,Aaja mahiya
Aahista pukaaro..sab sunlenge
Bas labon se choolo..lab sunlenge
Haan...aankh bhi kal se phadak rahi hai
Aaja..Aaja mahiya..ho..aaja mahiya
Aaja mahiya..ho..aaja mahiya
Mahi re...Mahi re...
Mahi re...Mahi re...
Mahi re...Mahi re...
Mahi re...Mahi re...

Maahi maahi mere..maahi maahi mere..
Mahi mere..mahi mere..mahi mere
Maahi maahi mere..maahi maahi mere..
Mahi mere..mahi mere..mahi mere

Whats new

My comments on my life have been bullshitted by a close friend, so I will shift to something acceptable but hopefully interesting. Alright, I do not care for anyone's interest, just want to write for myself. Even then lets discuss people, relationships to be specific.

I want to know what the beginning of a relationship really is. Whats the need? Is it social or biological? My understanding is every relationship is a kind of a barter system, its a give and take. People say parents always have selfless love towards their children. I say there's nothing selfless in any relationship. Every person in this world has this innate tendency to constantly be in association with things as well as fellow beings. Everyone wants myriad worldly connections wherein each of these is different in content and form. As a parent he wants to take care of his child, as a wealthy person of his money, as a company owner his company and so on. A very insensitive engineer's generalization will be "Every one works for the bond that attaches one to the obect of that bond".

So, where does sacrifice, considered to be one of the highest charateristics of manhood come into picture? I think it too is a manifestation of this tendency only. The sacrifice of life for a loved one means the object "loved one" is more important than the object "life". Thus, this yearning/love for objects is IMHO the answer to every question. Is this nothing but the philosophy of Gita? I think it is. But if the philosophy is so simple then why is life so complicated?

I think the conflict arises in interpreting this yearning. For some, not to yearn is the solution; some others want to yearn judiciously. But what should I do? Does anyone have an answer?

Roller Coaster ride

Oft-repeated & pretty lame anology one always attaches to life. But, it is apt. Nothing else matches life more. I seem to be in the trough for a long time now. I do not remember when and how, but I somehow have lost some vital ingredient in the recipe of contentment. It feels as if God has triggered some "yearn" switch inside me and has forgotten to add the object/thing to yearn for. The mind is convoluted thoughtwise and empty contentwise. One content that I desperately tried to imbue myself with for the past two years is the feeling of love. One can say that I was not the most fortunate person in love but the real reason was I simply overlooked our incompatibility and inappropriateness of my intentions. The result is I find myself falling in a bottomless abyss, discovering new lows every day waiting for the end when I strike the bottom. But life's different. Dented pride, zero self-confidence, no motivation about anything, an unrequited love and a depression aren't the only lows it has to offer. How I hope to just evaporate out of this misery?