Is intensity...

.. of thoughts a concern? The wild fluctuations, the mood swings faster than an eyeblink, the restlessness.. Is everything just a phase that everyone goes through? If yes, then why cant someone do something about it? Why is everything kept under wraps? Is this because same situations pose different concerns to different poeple and likewise, everyone has to look for one's own answers.
My straight simple story is I was not diligent enough at work and am paying for it. But why can anyone not accept that there were other reasons as well? May be I fell in a worldly trap of working for rewards, where a more rational thinking is to work for survival of spirit. The allusion to bhagwadgita is not a mere coincidence here. Everyone knows people die for lack of food but no-one told me what happens when one's away from work. I hate myself for getting that simple thing too late.

Fears of a haunted mind

Is fear driving me or is it an just impulsive force trying to break my inertia? And fear of what: future, peers? Fear matters for sure, but its kind.. dunno. Is it not that fear drives losers; winners have ambitions? So, I too will have to make this transition sometime sooner than later.
Ambition comes after fear in the hierarchy of driving forces. It surely can lead one somewhere but that somewhere is too far to be felt now. How can one predecide that one would like it? May be going up is not the solution. A perfect setting would be to have everything here itself, a blissful state of mind regardless of situations. I do not want to be a sanyasi, but enjoying life without craving for it should be possible. Desires should offload the pain they cause when not fulfilled. May be this state comes after going through a lot, but who asked for free lunches ?

Quarter-life crisis (continues.. )

Once I looked up, I saw the sun,
Brave would've faced it, I could only run.
Gifted with a dream, little did I care
And spilled everything, my hands lay bare
I think of ruin, I think of plunder
When will I realize, it is a blunder
They talk of phoenix, people of old lore
Its rising from ashes, not the burning before

It still does

The road ahead..

.is treacherous I know, but I have to walk it. Talking of motivation, what is it? I still dont know. Does it come from fear or shall I euphemize it to "concern for future"? One bottomline is one should fear future. May be its not fully correct, but do I need an absolute truth? Wont a practical, hypothesized reality work? After all, I am an engineer not a philosopher. My job is to get things to work, not search for the ultimate. Does that mean an engineer holds much more importance to a society than a philosopher? Gears against metaphysics, will anyone be interested in this battle?
Where am I going,let me stick to myself. Do I want to be a winner or a loser? Before answering this question, I need to have a working definition of both the terms and also see if there's another category in the middle. I think its all relative, depends on situation, perspective. For now, relativity is the absolute. So, now lets define what I want to be in what situation and whose perspective. Winner of course, in terms of oft-repeated categories of money,fame and family. It was really simple :) Till I get that, I cannot move ahead wherein both getting there and moving ahead are of equal relevence. Also, to get there thoughts of moving ahead should be put to hibernation for now. Inevitabilty not banality should be attributed to "hardwork".