Future has promise today

Everything is falling back to place. All the conditions dictating my mental health are moving towards stability. Everyone says life is always up and down. I do not disagree but the amplitude and frequency of this up-down should be under control. For me everything was going haywire. Till now, I am trying to assess the whole episode and hopefully learn my lessons. I do not know how much I have succeeded but for a strong urge to not let myself succumb to the same mess again. However, I want to move to a state where I do not have to be careful of my failings. I want to conquer them once and forever.

Sometimes I look for support from someone not infallible but someone complementary and compatible. And its not only about sense and sensibilities. I feel a child in me, who wants to be pampered, doted, even scolded sometimes and, most importantly, wanted for just being me. I wonder how I always go on demanding from life. Its always I want, I need, I feel and never I am. I want to reach the 'I am' stage. In other words, I want to get rid of my wants :-)

Demands

"All your demands, if not extravagant, will be fulfilled"

Funny statement, almost a double oxymoron for me (atleast for now). All my demands are infact extravagant, and have absolutely no chance of being fulfilled. Anyways ditch that, there's no use. Lets just identify all of them with no pressure on destiny to meet any. I demand a mind clear of dilemmas, excited about future; a feeling of curosity when I wake up in the morning and of content when i go to bed. Is this extravagance, I will not ask. May be the right way to handle this will be thinking about my part rather than destiny's.

Frankly speaking, I have no idea how to achieve this, how to end this ever burning restlessnes, this feeling that something vital is amiss. The constant yearning nature of my mind haunts me. I feel asif I am standing alone in the vastness of time. I see a desert all over, inside of my soul is void of effort and my world outside is void of people, I see sand everwhere, sand of emotions, untended, dry and whimsical.

cute lines

This is about the girl I love,
No qualms, there's none above.

She drives me crazy is the usual way,
"She makes me me",is what I'd say.

Moist in her eyes makes me cry,
A sight of hers,and I can die.

Million miles away she seems to be,
When she keeps silent,doesn't talk to me.

A day will come when she will be mine,
Life will be cool,lets say "just fine".

-- I find this very kiddish, but why should I kill the child in me :-P

Is intensity...

.. of thoughts a concern? The wild fluctuations, the mood swings faster than an eyeblink, the restlessness.. Is everything just a phase that everyone goes through? If yes, then why cant someone do something about it? Why is everything kept under wraps? Is this because same situations pose different concerns to different poeple and likewise, everyone has to look for one's own answers.
My straight simple story is I was not diligent enough at work and am paying for it. But why can anyone not accept that there were other reasons as well? May be I fell in a worldly trap of working for rewards, where a more rational thinking is to work for survival of spirit. The allusion to bhagwadgita is not a mere coincidence here. Everyone knows people die for lack of food but no-one told me what happens when one's away from work. I hate myself for getting that simple thing too late.

Fears of a haunted mind

Is fear driving me or is it an just impulsive force trying to break my inertia? And fear of what: future, peers? Fear matters for sure, but its kind.. dunno. Is it not that fear drives losers; winners have ambitions? So, I too will have to make this transition sometime sooner than later.
Ambition comes after fear in the hierarchy of driving forces. It surely can lead one somewhere but that somewhere is too far to be felt now. How can one predecide that one would like it? May be going up is not the solution. A perfect setting would be to have everything here itself, a blissful state of mind regardless of situations. I do not want to be a sanyasi, but enjoying life without craving for it should be possible. Desires should offload the pain they cause when not fulfilled. May be this state comes after going through a lot, but who asked for free lunches ?

Quarter-life crisis (continues.. )

Once I looked up, I saw the sun,
Brave would've faced it, I could only run.
Gifted with a dream, little did I care
And spilled everything, my hands lay bare
I think of ruin, I think of plunder
When will I realize, it is a blunder
They talk of phoenix, people of old lore
Its rising from ashes, not the burning before

It still does

The road ahead..

.is treacherous I know, but I have to walk it. Talking of motivation, what is it? I still dont know. Does it come from fear or shall I euphemize it to "concern for future"? One bottomline is one should fear future. May be its not fully correct, but do I need an absolute truth? Wont a practical, hypothesized reality work? After all, I am an engineer not a philosopher. My job is to get things to work, not search for the ultimate. Does that mean an engineer holds much more importance to a society than a philosopher? Gears against metaphysics, will anyone be interested in this battle?
Where am I going,let me stick to myself. Do I want to be a winner or a loser? Before answering this question, I need to have a working definition of both the terms and also see if there's another category in the middle. I think its all relative, depends on situation, perspective. For now, relativity is the absolute. So, now lets define what I want to be in what situation and whose perspective. Winner of course, in terms of oft-repeated categories of money,fame and family. It was really simple :) Till I get that, I cannot move ahead wherein both getting there and moving ahead are of equal relevence. Also, to get there thoughts of moving ahead should be put to hibernation for now. Inevitabilty not banality should be attributed to "hardwork".

The worst day of my life

I do not want to live here. Money does not attract me, fame is not exactly what I want, people around do not matter and I am not born just to do the job assigned mindlessly. Today can be easily called the most difficult day of my life. I do not have a single penny in my pocket, no family or relatives around, not a friend in sight I can lean on and above all, no motivation to work. So, why am I alive? I do not even have anyone to tell this to, leave alone an answer to my question. This hunger is killing me, but the urge to live is not strong enough to force me to eat. But I should rather look at the positives. I must have some, surely. I have a bright career ahead, but do I want it? I have my family besides myself, but is it such a big asset. Everyone has to live away at some point in one's life. I want to know what motivation do people have when they know they are alone till they start a new family themselves. Are the people around, friends or acquaintances, playing such an important role as being the preservers of the will to live? Are these thoughts of mine meaningful or just an excuse for my laziness. Is laziness the only ailment I am suffering from? Lets count some instances when I have done some hard work. EDP is one, it paid. Third year course on computation is another, did not pay. NTSE preparation pays even today. I studied hard for the final exams in seventh. So, some few and far between instances are certainly there but laziness is the general trait. Are there any decisions I can take at this point? Not being lazy is one, but deciding to abandon laziness would be like swimming The English Channel tomorrow.
I last ate something substantial may a couple of days back, had two good meals in a day may be sometime in April and now after having a glass of water feel like writing again. The positives of my life are hiding somewhere lest they too are destroyed by the reckless devil of my insane thoughts. The negatives well fed by the generosity of these very thoughts have pinned my soul and are about to crucify it.

not my terrain, hehe :)

I want to outline your beauty
But my verse is puerile
I want to admire your poise
But I dont have the guile

I want to kiss your lips
But the thought trembles me
I want to look in your eyes
But your gaze bemuses me

I want to play with your hair
But my fingers go numb
I want to hold your hand
But I am so dumb

I want you so bad
But have reflections so many
I want to say the words
But I havent got any

Interestingly, I wrote this one just to prove to myself that I can write about good things too. It seems I failed.