I want to cry the whole night today,
cry into the hollows of broken dreams,
for eerie haunting carcasses of vanquished hopes,
to deafen the depths of this unending silence.
But how can I?
I'm a grown up man,
with a stong will,
a power to ride over emotions,
a strength to wipe my own tears.
I want to throw this mask away,
that I have donned for eons now.
I want to be weak for a moment,
for the burden of strength is too heavy.
I want to cry, to laugh, to play, to fall down,
to rise awkwardly, to be a fool again, as a child.
But how can I?
I'm a grown up man.
With wisdom my forte,
I stand tall after my failures,
heartless, stoic, unruffled.
What if I want to have a heart,
for a moment, just for once?
Friday, August 18, 2006
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Is mod se jate hain
The vagaries of life have not allowed me to think about it for a long time now, which is reflected in no posts lately. As I do not expect myself to write anything worthwhile soon, I am filling the gap with an interpretation of one of my favorite songs, penned by Gulzar. The words explaining the meaning are mine but the core idea is 'tap-ed' from a post in the Gulzar community at Orkut.
_________________________________________________
Is mod se jaate hai – Aandhi
Is mod se jaate hain
kuch sust kadam raste, kuch tez kadam raahe
patthar kee hawelee ko, sheeshe ke gharondo me
tinkon ke nasheman tak, is mod se jaate hai…
Sanjeev and Suchitra, just starting their lives together ("mod" refers to a point in life), are thinking about various paths and destinations that lie ahead. "sust kadam" (laid back) and "tez kadam" (go-getter) are the ways that they may take in future. Both are aware that depending on the path that they choose, they may land up at different places -- in a "pathar ki haveli" (relationship with a strong foundation), "sheeshey ka ghronda" (a fragile one) or "tinkon ka nasheman" (nasheman = nest, a temporary fling).
aandhee kee tarah udakar, ek raah gujaratee hai
sharamaatee huyee koi, kadamo se utaratee hai
in reshamee raaho me, ek raah to wo hogee
tum tak jo pahuchatee hai, is mod se jaate hai..
ek door se aatee hai, paas aake palatatee hai
ek raah akelee see, rukatee hain naa chalatee hai
ye soch ke baithhee hoon, yek raah to wo hogee
tum tak jo pahuchatee hai, is mod se jaate hai..
"aandhi ki tarah udkar" (filled with passion), "sharmaate hui koi, kadamo se utarti hai" (shy), "ek door se aati hai, pass aake palatatee hai" (whimsical) , "ek raah akeli se, rukti hai na chalti hai" (slow, steady) -- Having so many ways to approach their nascent relationship, they share with each other the 'pleasant anxiety' that is teasing them and wonder, "There must be some way that leads to you".
_________________________________________________
Marvellous, isn't it ?
_________________________________________________
Is mod se jaate hai – Aandhi
Is mod se jaate hain
kuch sust kadam raste, kuch tez kadam raahe
patthar kee hawelee ko, sheeshe ke gharondo me
tinkon ke nasheman tak, is mod se jaate hai…
Sanjeev and Suchitra, just starting their lives together ("mod" refers to a point in life), are thinking about various paths and destinations that lie ahead. "sust kadam" (laid back) and "tez kadam" (go-getter) are the ways that they may take in future. Both are aware that depending on the path that they choose, they may land up at different places -- in a "pathar ki haveli" (relationship with a strong foundation), "sheeshey ka ghronda" (a fragile one) or "tinkon ka nasheman" (nasheman = nest, a temporary fling).
aandhee kee tarah udakar, ek raah gujaratee hai
sharamaatee huyee koi, kadamo se utaratee hai
in reshamee raaho me, ek raah to wo hogee
tum tak jo pahuchatee hai, is mod se jaate hai..
ek door se aatee hai, paas aake palatatee hai
ek raah akelee see, rukatee hain naa chalatee hai
ye soch ke baithhee hoon, yek raah to wo hogee
tum tak jo pahuchatee hai, is mod se jaate hai..
"aandhi ki tarah udkar" (filled with passion), "sharmaate hui koi, kadamo se utarti hai" (shy), "ek door se aati hai, pass aake palatatee hai" (whimsical) , "ek raah akeli se, rukti hai na chalti hai" (slow, steady) -- Having so many ways to approach their nascent relationship, they share with each other the 'pleasant anxiety' that is teasing them and wonder, "There must be some way that leads to you".
_________________________________________________
Marvellous, isn't it ?
Friday, May 26, 2006
Where ??
Continuing from here, here and here, this is another one in the series :
Not on the ground, not up there anywhere,
not a burning phoenix, not a shimmering glare.
Drenched, overwhelmed by rain's might,
stands the uninitiated, battling for light.
Thinks of a struggle, then thinks why,
the how of it, and above all by.
Thus stands there, with a longing trace,
buried deep beneath, shadows of his face.
O divinity! bless him the question,
the answers he needs,'n doubts he can shun.
--Not a pensive resignation this time, but an honest acknowledgement
Not on the ground, not up there anywhere,
not a burning phoenix, not a shimmering glare.
Drenched, overwhelmed by rain's might,
stands the uninitiated, battling for light.
Thinks of a struggle, then thinks why,
the how of it, and above all by.
Thus stands there, with a longing trace,
buried deep beneath, shadows of his face.
O divinity! bless him the question,
the answers he needs,'n doubts he can shun.
--Not a pensive resignation this time, but an honest acknowledgement
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Random thoughts
I did not want to write anything today, haven't got a topic on my mind. Whatever the thoughts are, they are too private to divulge here. Still silence is something I can ill afford. Its deafening. I was listening to music to lessen the effect but it did not help. So, cleaned up my room. It helped. But my room was not dirty enough and I am back to square one. I am thinking of eating something, but I am not hungry yet. Plus my flat-mate is in the kitchen and I am too shy to show him my culinary in-adeptness. Hence, the blog.
Lets enumerate about some good things I came across in the last few days. The bad ones are too abstract, make me look silly, so I'll reserve them for a private audience.
1) Bought a new mattress a couple of months back after my back literally screamed for a change. The old mattress always reminded of a numerical analysis lecture in which the curve had to be convex as a pre-condition for some lousy stability theorem. But my back did not seem to like this convex stability of the mattress, which isn't unexpected as I never liked maths. My back's year long agony went away with almost no effort and money. The mattress cost me $10 only. I know you are thinking why did I not do this earlier. Not that I am miser and was sacrificing my back for money. Only a true procrastinator can empathize with me here. Being a sensitive person, my other concern was how will my generous good-natured 73 year old landlord feel if I threw away his beloved mattress, a dowry gift that he has diligently preserved since World War-II. So, I spent quite a few months thinking of ways to smuggle a new one into my room without his knowledge. Now mission being accomplished under the aegis of a dark moonless night, I exchange the mattresses every evening and sleep blissfully, without offending my landlord in any way . However, one disadvantage of the new arrangement is, unafraid of sleeping, I no longer spend late nights surfing and my blogging frequency has gone down, so are the hits on my blogs which further demotivate me to write. I still am looking for a solution to this vicious circle.
2) One of my friends finally launched the first service of his company after months of arduous labor. Its a text to speech converter, works on blogs and websites too. A god sent blessing for people like me for whom the act of sitting in front of a screen and reading, is too much of an effort. Extract from the launching mail follows
"I am happy to announce the launch of our product, the Proaxsys Reader Engine. This product brings the convenience of voice to PCs. You can create material for your iPod right from your desktop. The Engine runs on our web-server, and is most convenient to use and totally hassle-free. You are spared any painful installations and configurations!"
3) Worked as a volunteer for the ASHA dinner. A first for me on two fronts, in the kitchen and for a good cause. I hope this was not the last time for both the things.
4) Came across this great song Des mera rangrez hai babu from Jhini by Indian Ocean. It has Indian rusticity written all over it, asif one has been listening to it for ages.
That's it for today I guess. The silence has been alleviated and my flatmate too is done with cooking.
Ciao,
Ashish
Lets enumerate about some good things I came across in the last few days. The bad ones are too abstract, make me look silly, so I'll reserve them for a private audience.
1) Bought a new mattress a couple of months back after my back literally screamed for a change. The old mattress always reminded of a numerical analysis lecture in which the curve had to be convex as a pre-condition for some lousy stability theorem. But my back did not seem to like this convex stability of the mattress, which isn't unexpected as I never liked maths. My back's year long agony went away with almost no effort and money. The mattress cost me $10 only. I know you are thinking why did I not do this earlier. Not that I am miser and was sacrificing my back for money. Only a true procrastinator can empathize with me here. Being a sensitive person, my other concern was how will my generous good-natured 73 year old landlord feel if I threw away his beloved mattress, a dowry gift that he has diligently preserved since World War-II. So, I spent quite a few months thinking of ways to smuggle a new one into my room without his knowledge. Now mission being accomplished under the aegis of a dark moonless night, I exchange the mattresses every evening and sleep blissfully, without offending my landlord in any way . However, one disadvantage of the new arrangement is, unafraid of sleeping, I no longer spend late nights surfing and my blogging frequency has gone down, so are the hits on my blogs which further demotivate me to write. I still am looking for a solution to this vicious circle.
2) One of my friends finally launched the first service of his company after months of arduous labor. Its a text to speech converter, works on blogs and websites too. A god sent blessing for people like me for whom the act of sitting in front of a screen and reading, is too much of an effort. Extract from the launching mail follows
"I am happy to announce the launch of our product, the Proaxsys Reader Engine. This product brings the convenience of voice to PCs. You can create material for your iPod right from your desktop. The Engine runs on our web-server, and is most convenient to use and totally hassle-free. You are spared any painful installations and configurations!"
3) Worked as a volunteer for the ASHA dinner. A first for me on two fronts, in the kitchen and for a good cause. I hope this was not the last time for both the things.
4) Came across this great song Des mera rangrez hai babu from Jhini by Indian Ocean. It has Indian rusticity written all over it, asif one has been listening to it for ages.
That's it for today I guess. The silence has been alleviated and my flatmate too is done with cooking.
Ciao,
Ashish
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Dream
I jumped off, just like that, from top of the world, into the meaningless milieu. I thought it will start off like my first sentence to a girl does; nervous, hesitant, fitful. But it was different, I took to the fall with utmost poise. Everything happened in a fleeting second and lasted an eternity, was so subtle that I had to tell myself I went through it.
The fall wasn't unpleasant either. It was blissful. I saw it, yea I did, the vastness of space clipped by the finiteness of perception, from the top. I looked down for a second. Smiled at the futility of everything. The smallness of it. But then realized that precious little time was being lost. I stopped looking and started assimilating.
Surprisingly, it never looked as if I will not be able to make it. It came naturally to me, from me. I did think of having wings for a second, to prolong the feel, but it felt like swimming with a life jacket, I felt chained within the comfort of safety. I threw the thought away. Unrestrained unabated fall had seduced the whole of me into its lure.
The fall wasn't unpleasant either. It was blissful. I saw it, yea I did, the vastness of space clipped by the finiteness of perception, from the top. I looked down for a second. Smiled at the futility of everything. The smallness of it. But then realized that precious little time was being lost. I stopped looking and started assimilating.
Surprisingly, it never looked as if I will not be able to make it. It came naturally to me, from me. I did think of having wings for a second, to prolong the feel, but it felt like swimming with a life jacket, I felt chained within the comfort of safety. I threw the thought away. Unrestrained unabated fall had seduced the whole of me into its lure.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
My India vs. The US
Was away to Buffalo this weekend. Stayed at a friend's place for Saturday night and got hold of this (hardcopy version). Of course, the topic was too hard to resist. Found the stuff pretty realistic, unusual for a foreign magazine. But I am not here to analyse the article. The real world seldom interests me enough to write about it and Murky-Reflections is all about my detours to dreamland. The article provided an ideal background for the journey.
It was on the back seat of a second hand sedan, driven (and owned) at 85 mph by a middle class Indian graduate student on a near flawless freeway, that my mind started personifying this great country. I thought of nations as students in school and the setting gave me little option but to see US as a brash topper of her class. She is 'the one' of the class, excels in whatever she puts her head in to, commands awe from her peers and is the apple of every one's eyes. Every fellow student thinks of somehow emulating her. The perfunctory humility she shows does nothing but embellishes the brazen pride she has in her status/achievements. There are people who love her, envy her, adore her, hate her but none who can dare to ignore her presence. Yea, she is a real person, was my classmate once. I guess I made it too obvious ;-)
India was the obvious next in line. But I had the hardest time locating India among my school mates. Every time I tried to attribute something/someone to her, there was a thought "Nay, my India is not like this." All adjectives I thought of, came along with their opposites and the line I had heard millions of years back started resonating in my head, "Everything you hear about India is true, the opposite is also true." But then I thought that the line was meant for foreigners and certainly the last 7 months that I have lived here did not make me one. So, did I even know my country? And then, I found myself smiling. I had now got the meaning of what I had heard in some sermon somewhere, "Realization is the purest form of knowledge. Every description is a dilution."
It was on the back seat of a second hand sedan, driven (and owned) at 85 mph by a middle class Indian graduate student on a near flawless freeway, that my mind started personifying this great country. I thought of nations as students in school and the setting gave me little option but to see US as a brash topper of her class. She is 'the one' of the class, excels in whatever she puts her head in to, commands awe from her peers and is the apple of every one's eyes. Every fellow student thinks of somehow emulating her. The perfunctory humility she shows does nothing but embellishes the brazen pride she has in her status/achievements. There are people who love her, envy her, adore her, hate her but none who can dare to ignore her presence. Yea, she is a real person, was my classmate once. I guess I made it too obvious ;-)
India was the obvious next in line. But I had the hardest time locating India among my school mates. Every time I tried to attribute something/someone to her, there was a thought "Nay, my India is not like this." All adjectives I thought of, came along with their opposites and the line I had heard millions of years back started resonating in my head, "Everything you hear about India is true, the opposite is also true." But then I thought that the line was meant for foreigners and certainly the last 7 months that I have lived here did not make me one. So, did I even know my country? And then, I found myself smiling. I had now got the meaning of what I had heard in some sermon somewhere, "Realization is the purest form of knowledge. Every description is a dilution."
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Birthday musing
There are times when I sit in front of the computer and fingers just start typing. Thoughts have words with well defined meanings and are eager to make their journey from my mind to this console. Those are the days when everyone and everything around makes sense, good or bad is a separate matter. When I know I am Ashish and Ashish has his joys, sorrows, ambitions, doubts, plans, dreams, fantasies, friends, relatives, life. All these things are present and purposeful just like the background music of a movie. You hardly notice it, but its always there. Remove it and there's an eerie haunting silence.
And there are days when its confusing. When I know I am Ashish but I do not know what it means? I cannot say its a doubt, confusion or fear, because its something language (or at least my knowledge of it) fails to capture. The feeling is so flimsy that words dilute it, sounds mute it, and a search obscures it. Its like being restricted in a cell, when you know there's something beyond but don't know what. Or like living in absolute darkness and being comfortable with it for most of the time.
I think everyone experiences something similar, in inexplicitness if not in description. And everyone has his/her own solution. Some run away from it by engaging themselves in other simpler things, answering simpler questions, some others close their eyes towards it to deny its existence, a few try to face it, look for answers. For most the subtleness is too hard to perceive, and the comfort comes by associating it with all kinds of things.
The question that I have, with no definite answer, is what should I do, if anything at all?
And there are days when its confusing. When I know I am Ashish but I do not know what it means? I cannot say its a doubt, confusion or fear, because its something language (or at least my knowledge of it) fails to capture. The feeling is so flimsy that words dilute it, sounds mute it, and a search obscures it. Its like being restricted in a cell, when you know there's something beyond but don't know what. Or like living in absolute darkness and being comfortable with it for most of the time.
I think everyone experiences something similar, in inexplicitness if not in description. And everyone has his/her own solution. Some run away from it by engaging themselves in other simpler things, answering simpler questions, some others close their eyes towards it to deny its existence, a few try to face it, look for answers. For most the subtleness is too hard to perceive, and the comfort comes by associating it with all kinds of things.
The question that I have, with no definite answer, is what should I do, if anything at all?
Monday, February 13, 2006
Pet Peeves
"Tagged" by Manish, here's my list of 20 :
1) Punjabi aunties (all of them on the other side of 100 kg) who say, "Hai, kinna patla hain ve mundiya tu !! Kaka, sehat bana hun kuch khaya peeya kar"
2) "Oh, you are in US, my uncle's friend's neighbour's son is also there (only 2000 miles from your place). This is his number. Since you are new there na beta, I have told him to take care of you. Do give him a call."
3) Indian/American Idol and all such crap.
4) Advertisements at channels here.
5) "Kya hua ? kuch le kyun nahi rahe ? ek aur roti lo, bahut achchi bani hai. sharmao mat apna hi ghar samjhoo (aur pet kiska samjhaun). "
6) People smoking in trains/buses/public places/homes/anywhere.
7) Indiatimes/TOI
8) Any Tom, Dick or Harry saying "Gandhi/Bose/Nehru/../.. was an idiot, #@*&^"
9) Infra-structure/cleanliness/corruption in India, the "chalta hai" attitude and its mute/helpless/hapless/coward witnesses like me.
10) Chauvinism
11) Unavailability of Bollywood movies where I live :((
12) Rather frequent injuries of Sachin.
13) Hours I spend (read waste) on the new age idiot box (read computer).
14) People with bad breath/body odor.
15) Mobile ringing,people talking/moving in front of screen during a movie in a theater.
16) "I'm on the way, reaching in 15 minutes." "Sirf 1 ganta toh late hoon, itna toh chalta hai yaar"
17) "what else", "aur bata", "u say".....
18) Did practically nothing this week. Meeting with advisor tomorrow. What the hell, lets finish this blog/movie/novel
No clean clothes to wear. No detergent. No enthu to do laundry.
No firewire on my computer and no USB movie transfer from my camcorder. Not buying a firewire and living with the misery for 2 years now.
Yes, the most feared word in the dictionary "PROCRASTINATION"
19) Number of comments on my blog (I guess this is a very common one)
20) --NAFTP-- Not appropriate for this place.
So, how many do you share with me ?
1) Punjabi aunties (all of them on the other side of 100 kg) who say, "Hai, kinna patla hain ve mundiya tu !! Kaka, sehat bana hun kuch khaya peeya kar"
2) "Oh, you are in US, my uncle's friend's neighbour's son is also there (only 2000 miles from your place). This is his number. Since you are new there na beta, I have told him to take care of you. Do give him a call."
3) Indian/American Idol and all such crap.
4) Advertisements at channels here.
5) "Kya hua ? kuch le kyun nahi rahe ? ek aur roti lo, bahut achchi bani hai. sharmao mat apna hi ghar samjhoo (aur pet kiska samjhaun). "
6) People smoking in trains/buses/public places/homes/anywhere.
7) Indiatimes/TOI
8) Any Tom, Dick or Harry saying "Gandhi/Bose/Nehru/../.. was an idiot, #@*&^"
9) Infra-structure/cleanliness/corruption in India, the "chalta hai" attitude and its mute/helpless/hapless/coward witnesses like me.
10) Chauvinism
11) Unavailability of Bollywood movies where I live :((
12) Rather frequent injuries of Sachin.
13) Hours I spend (read waste) on the new age idiot box (read computer).
14) People with bad breath/body odor.
15) Mobile ringing,people talking/moving in front of screen during a movie in a theater.
16) "I'm on the way, reaching in 15 minutes." "Sirf 1 ganta toh late hoon, itna toh chalta hai yaar"
17) "what else", "aur bata", "u say".....
18) Did practically nothing this week. Meeting with advisor tomorrow. What the hell, lets finish this blog/movie/novel
No clean clothes to wear. No detergent. No enthu to do laundry.
No firewire on my computer and no USB movie transfer from my camcorder. Not buying a firewire and living with the misery for 2 years now.
Yes, the most feared word in the dictionary "PROCRASTINATION"
19) Number of comments on my blog (I guess this is a very common one)
20) --NAFTP-- Not appropriate for this place.
So, how many do you share with me ?
Saturday, January 28, 2006
If I'd known...
If I'd known, how savage love is
I'd have shut the door..
Saw "Mr and Mrs Iyer" for nth time today, am not sure how many times more I will see it again.
Truth is, I am in love with the movie,
with the genuineness of the characters,
with Meenakshi's eyes when they open
with the lines "If I'd known.." and "Don't look away",
with the moment they have in train,
and above all with the surreal reality portrayed.
It captures love in its most beautiful form,
when its unintentional, unsaid and unnamed.. just felt.
when the world around seems so far away
the heart skips a beat every time one thinks about it
n that dreamy ticklish feeling is all that matters..
Poornima, the best writer who knows me and for me a very knowledgeable person concerning matters of love (by experience or otherwise), has a different view. I am not sure how highly she thinks of love when she says, "Its an illusion" and at the same time agrees that ".. every illusion that we hold is absolutely real for the time we hold it."
Now, people will say Ashish is a dreamer. Thanks to Reem, a chat pal and a fellow blogger, I already have an answer. She says, "Don't accuse me for being a dreamer, if reality didnt bore me so much, I would have been otherwise.. " My admiration of her attitude is just a question "Why does she even think of being otherwise, when the dreamer Reem is mystery enough for the world?"
Another of my good friends, a mathematician, tries to analyse the power of fiction in her blog. This reminds of a certain "Dead Poets' Society", of which I am surely a fan? Whats there to analyse in a verse, a movie, a painting or a picture? If words were to describe a beauty, whats the need of it?
I'd have shut the door..
Saw "Mr and Mrs Iyer" for nth time today, am not sure how many times more I will see it again.
Truth is, I am in love with the movie,
with the genuineness of the characters,
with Meenakshi's eyes when they open
with the lines "If I'd known.." and "Don't look away",
with the moment they have in train,
and above all with the surreal reality portrayed.
It captures love in its most beautiful form,
when its unintentional, unsaid and unnamed.. just felt.
when the world around seems so far away
the heart skips a beat every time one thinks about it
n that dreamy ticklish feeling is all that matters..
Poornima, the best writer who knows me and for me a very knowledgeable person concerning matters of love (by experience or otherwise), has a different view. I am not sure how highly she thinks of love when she says, "Its an illusion" and at the same time agrees that ".. every illusion that we hold is absolutely real for the time we hold it."
Now, people will say Ashish is a dreamer. Thanks to Reem, a chat pal and a fellow blogger, I already have an answer. She says, "Don't accuse me for being a dreamer, if reality didnt bore me so much, I would have been otherwise.. " My admiration of her attitude is just a question "Why does she even think of being otherwise, when the dreamer Reem is mystery enough for the world?"
Another of my good friends, a mathematician, tries to analyse the power of fiction in her blog. This reminds of a certain "Dead Poets' Society", of which I am surely a fan? Whats there to analyse in a verse, a movie, a painting or a picture? If words were to describe a beauty, whats the need of it?
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Some appreciation of Indian philosophy
"If I were asked under what sky the human mind has most fully developed some of its choicest gifts, has most deeply pondered over the greatest problems of life, and has found solutions of some of them which well deserve the attention even of those who have studied Plato and Kant, I should point to India. And if I were to ask myself from what literature we who have been nurtured almost exclusively on the thoughts of Greeks and Romans, and of the Semitic race, the Jewish, may draw the corrective which is most wanted in order to make our inner life more perfect, more comprehensive, more universal, in fact more truly human a life...again I should point to India."
--Max Muller
I wonder why not even an ounce of it was taught to me in school.
--Max Muller
I wonder why not even an ounce of it was taught to me in school.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
There and back again
Winter haven
Happy New Year
Joys/Blues of an international flight
Tabula Rasa
There and back again
...
Yea, you guessed right. These are various choices I have for the title before writing this post. Each one has a different story to tell. Can I weave all of these in one post? Lets try.
After having decided to spend the winters here itself, the trip to India, though dreamt of a zillion times, was applied for in a whim. Not very unlike me though. The heartbeat before asking for permission, the glitches while buying tickets, the bickerings over gifts and last night shopping, the ultimate laziness and adventure, the void on the return.. every experience seems like a distant dream now, which my fleeting memory failed to capture. The whole thing happened just the same way as take-off from Delhi airport, plane was already over Iran when my sleepy mind realized I was on it.
The purpose of going home this winter was to remind myself that there is another world out there, which was my own once. And that the last "was" and "once" used in the previous sentence is my shortsightedness. How successful was I? I think I would realize in a few months. The good thing is, there is a strong possibility that I will get this chance every winter.
One outcome of the trip is partial offloading of an old baggage, something that I had been carrying for almost four years now and something which I always hoped will become a part of me someday. But heaviness of the load and the long wait had started itching too bad. So with the dip in the holy Ganges on new year day, I promised myself a search for more realistic happiness without cursing whatever happened.
The new year beckons with freshness and relief, with vision and a belief.
Happy New Year
Joys/Blues of an international flight
Tabula Rasa
There and back again
...
Yea, you guessed right. These are various choices I have for the title before writing this post. Each one has a different story to tell. Can I weave all of these in one post? Lets try.
After having decided to spend the winters here itself, the trip to India, though dreamt of a zillion times, was applied for in a whim. Not very unlike me though. The heartbeat before asking for permission, the glitches while buying tickets, the bickerings over gifts and last night shopping, the ultimate laziness and adventure, the void on the return.. every experience seems like a distant dream now, which my fleeting memory failed to capture. The whole thing happened just the same way as take-off from Delhi airport, plane was already over Iran when my sleepy mind realized I was on it.
The purpose of going home this winter was to remind myself that there is another world out there, which was my own once. And that the last "was" and "once" used in the previous sentence is my shortsightedness. How successful was I? I think I would realize in a few months. The good thing is, there is a strong possibility that I will get this chance every winter.
One outcome of the trip is partial offloading of an old baggage, something that I had been carrying for almost four years now and something which I always hoped will become a part of me someday. But heaviness of the load and the long wait had started itching too bad. So with the dip in the holy Ganges on new year day, I promised myself a search for more realistic happiness without cursing whatever happened.
The new year beckons with freshness and relief, with vision and a belief.
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