My comments on my life have been bullshitted by a close friend, so I will shift to something acceptable but hopefully interesting. Alright, I do not care for anyone's interest, just want to write for myself. Even then lets discuss people, relationships to be specific.
I want to know what the beginning of a relationship really is. Whats the need? Is it social or biological? My understanding is every relationship is a kind of a barter system, its a give and take. People say parents always have selfless love towards their children. I say there's nothing selfless in any relationship. Every person in this world has this innate tendency to constantly be in association with things as well as fellow beings. Everyone wants myriad worldly connections wherein each of these is different in content and form. As a parent he wants to take care of his child, as a wealthy person of his money, as a company owner his company and so on. A very insensitive engineer's generalization will be "Every one works for the bond that attaches one to the obect of that bond".
So, where does sacrifice, considered to be one of the highest charateristics of manhood come into picture? I think it too is a manifestation of this tendency only. The sacrifice of life for a loved one means the object "loved one" is more important than the object "life". Thus, this yearning/love for objects is IMHO the answer to every question. Is this nothing but the philosophy of Gita? I think it is. But if the philosophy is so simple then why is life so complicated?
I think the conflict arises in interpreting this yearning. For some, not to yearn is the solution; some others want to yearn judiciously. But what should I do? Does anyone have an answer?
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Roller Coaster ride
Oft-repeated & pretty lame anology one always attaches to life. But, it is apt. Nothing else matches life more. I seem to be in the trough for a long time now. I do not remember when and how, but I somehow have lost some vital ingredient in the recipe of contentment. It feels as if God has triggered some "yearn" switch inside me and has forgotten to add the object/thing to yearn for. The mind is convoluted thoughtwise and empty contentwise. One content that I desperately tried to imbue myself with for the past two years is the feeling of love. One can say that I was not the most fortunate person in love but the real reason was I simply overlooked our incompatibility and inappropriateness of my intentions. The result is I find myself falling in a bottomless abyss, discovering new lows every day waiting for the end when I strike the bottom. But life's different. Dented pride, zero self-confidence, no motivation about anything, an unrequited love and a depression aren't the only lows it has to offer. How I hope to just evaporate out of this misery?
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Future has promise today
Everything is falling back to place. All the conditions dictating my mental health are moving towards stability. Everyone says life is always up and down. I do not disagree but the amplitude and frequency of this up-down should be under control. For me everything was going haywire. Till now, I am trying to assess the whole episode and hopefully learn my lessons. I do not know how much I have succeeded but for a strong urge to not let myself succumb to the same mess again. However, I want to move to a state where I do not have to be careful of my failings. I want to conquer them once and forever.
Sometimes I look for support from someone not infallible but someone complementary and compatible. And its not only about sense and sensibilities. I feel a child in me, who wants to be pampered, doted, even scolded sometimes and, most importantly, wanted for just being me. I wonder how I always go on demanding from life. Its always I want, I need, I feel and never I am. I want to reach the 'I am' stage. In other words, I want to get rid of my wants :-)
Sometimes I look for support from someone not infallible but someone complementary and compatible. And its not only about sense and sensibilities. I feel a child in me, who wants to be pampered, doted, even scolded sometimes and, most importantly, wanted for just being me. I wonder how I always go on demanding from life. Its always I want, I need, I feel and never I am. I want to reach the 'I am' stage. In other words, I want to get rid of my wants :-)
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Demands
"All your demands, if not extravagant, will be fulfilled"
Funny statement, almost a double oxymoron for me (atleast for now). All my demands are infact extravagant, and have absolutely no chance of being fulfilled. Anyways ditch that, there's no use. Lets just identify all of them with no pressure on destiny to meet any. I demand a mind clear of dilemmas, excited about future; a feeling of curosity when I wake up in the morning and of content when i go to bed. Is this extravagance, I will not ask. May be the right way to handle this will be thinking about my part rather than destiny's.
Frankly speaking, I have no idea how to achieve this, how to end this ever burning restlessnes, this feeling that something vital is amiss. The constant yearning nature of my mind haunts me. I feel asif I am standing alone in the vastness of time. I see a desert all over, inside of my soul is void of effort and my world outside is void of people, I see sand everwhere, sand of emotions, untended, dry and whimsical.
Funny statement, almost a double oxymoron for me (atleast for now). All my demands are infact extravagant, and have absolutely no chance of being fulfilled. Anyways ditch that, there's no use. Lets just identify all of them with no pressure on destiny to meet any. I demand a mind clear of dilemmas, excited about future; a feeling of curosity when I wake up in the morning and of content when i go to bed. Is this extravagance, I will not ask. May be the right way to handle this will be thinking about my part rather than destiny's.
Frankly speaking, I have no idea how to achieve this, how to end this ever burning restlessnes, this feeling that something vital is amiss. The constant yearning nature of my mind haunts me. I feel asif I am standing alone in the vastness of time. I see a desert all over, inside of my soul is void of effort and my world outside is void of people, I see sand everwhere, sand of emotions, untended, dry and whimsical.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
cute lines
This is about the girl I love,
No qualms, there's none above.
She drives me crazy is the usual way,
"She makes me me",is what I'd say.
Moist in her eyes makes me cry,
A sight of hers,and I can die.
Million miles away she seems to be,
When she keeps silent,doesn't talk to me.
A day will come when she will be mine,
Life will be cool,lets say "just fine".
-- I find this very kiddish, but why should I kill the child in me :-P
No qualms, there's none above.
She drives me crazy is the usual way,
"She makes me me",is what I'd say.
Moist in her eyes makes me cry,
A sight of hers,and I can die.
Million miles away she seems to be,
When she keeps silent,doesn't talk to me.
A day will come when she will be mine,
Life will be cool,lets say "just fine".
-- I find this very kiddish, but why should I kill the child in me :-P
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Is intensity...
.. of thoughts a concern? The wild fluctuations, the mood swings faster than an eyeblink, the restlessness.. Is everything just a phase that everyone goes through? If yes, then why cant someone do something about it? Why is everything kept under wraps? Is this because same situations pose different concerns to different poeple and likewise, everyone has to look for one's own answers.
My straight simple story is I was not diligent enough at work and am paying for it. But why can anyone not accept that there were other reasons as well? May be I fell in a worldly trap of working for rewards, where a more rational thinking is to work for survival of spirit. The allusion to bhagwadgita is not a mere coincidence here. Everyone knows people die for lack of food but no-one told me what happens when one's away from work. I hate myself for getting that simple thing too late.
My straight simple story is I was not diligent enough at work and am paying for it. But why can anyone not accept that there were other reasons as well? May be I fell in a worldly trap of working for rewards, where a more rational thinking is to work for survival of spirit. The allusion to bhagwadgita is not a mere coincidence here. Everyone knows people die for lack of food but no-one told me what happens when one's away from work. I hate myself for getting that simple thing too late.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Fears of a haunted mind
Is fear driving me or is it an just impulsive force trying to break my inertia? And fear of what: future, peers? Fear matters for sure, but its kind.. dunno. Is it not that fear drives losers; winners have ambitions? So, I too will have to make this transition sometime sooner than later.
Ambition comes after fear in the hierarchy of driving forces. It surely can lead one somewhere but that somewhere is too far to be felt now. How can one predecide that one would like it? May be going up is not the solution. A perfect setting would be to have everything here itself, a blissful state of mind regardless of situations. I do not want to be a sanyasi, but enjoying life without craving for it should be possible. Desires should offload the pain they cause when not fulfilled. May be this state comes after going through a lot, but who asked for free lunches ?
Ambition comes after fear in the hierarchy of driving forces. It surely can lead one somewhere but that somewhere is too far to be felt now. How can one predecide that one would like it? May be going up is not the solution. A perfect setting would be to have everything here itself, a blissful state of mind regardless of situations. I do not want to be a sanyasi, but enjoying life without craving for it should be possible. Desires should offload the pain they cause when not fulfilled. May be this state comes after going through a lot, but who asked for free lunches ?
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