Everything is falling back to place. All the conditions dictating my mental health are moving towards stability. Everyone says life is always up and down. I do not disagree but the amplitude and frequency of this up-down should be under control. For me everything was going haywire. Till now, I am trying to assess the whole episode and hopefully learn my lessons. I do not know how much I have succeeded but for a strong urge to not let myself succumb to the same mess again. However, I want to move to a state where I do not have to be careful of my failings. I want to conquer them once and forever.
Sometimes I look for support from someone not infallible but someone complementary and compatible. And its not only about sense and sensibilities. I feel a child in me, who wants to be pampered, doted, even scolded sometimes and, most importantly, wanted for just being me. I wonder how I always go on demanding from life. Its always I want, I need, I feel and never I am. I want to reach the 'I am' stage. In other words, I want to get rid of my wants :-)
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Demands
"All your demands, if not extravagant, will be fulfilled"
Funny statement, almost a double oxymoron for me (atleast for now). All my demands are infact extravagant, and have absolutely no chance of being fulfilled. Anyways ditch that, there's no use. Lets just identify all of them with no pressure on destiny to meet any. I demand a mind clear of dilemmas, excited about future; a feeling of curosity when I wake up in the morning and of content when i go to bed. Is this extravagance, I will not ask. May be the right way to handle this will be thinking about my part rather than destiny's.
Frankly speaking, I have no idea how to achieve this, how to end this ever burning restlessnes, this feeling that something vital is amiss. The constant yearning nature of my mind haunts me. I feel asif I am standing alone in the vastness of time. I see a desert all over, inside of my soul is void of effort and my world outside is void of people, I see sand everwhere, sand of emotions, untended, dry and whimsical.
Funny statement, almost a double oxymoron for me (atleast for now). All my demands are infact extravagant, and have absolutely no chance of being fulfilled. Anyways ditch that, there's no use. Lets just identify all of them with no pressure on destiny to meet any. I demand a mind clear of dilemmas, excited about future; a feeling of curosity when I wake up in the morning and of content when i go to bed. Is this extravagance, I will not ask. May be the right way to handle this will be thinking about my part rather than destiny's.
Frankly speaking, I have no idea how to achieve this, how to end this ever burning restlessnes, this feeling that something vital is amiss. The constant yearning nature of my mind haunts me. I feel asif I am standing alone in the vastness of time. I see a desert all over, inside of my soul is void of effort and my world outside is void of people, I see sand everwhere, sand of emotions, untended, dry and whimsical.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
cute lines
This is about the girl I love,
No qualms, there's none above.
She drives me crazy is the usual way,
"She makes me me",is what I'd say.
Moist in her eyes makes me cry,
A sight of hers,and I can die.
Million miles away she seems to be,
When she keeps silent,doesn't talk to me.
A day will come when she will be mine,
Life will be cool,lets say "just fine".
-- I find this very kiddish, but why should I kill the child in me :-P
No qualms, there's none above.
She drives me crazy is the usual way,
"She makes me me",is what I'd say.
Moist in her eyes makes me cry,
A sight of hers,and I can die.
Million miles away she seems to be,
When she keeps silent,doesn't talk to me.
A day will come when she will be mine,
Life will be cool,lets say "just fine".
-- I find this very kiddish, but why should I kill the child in me :-P
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Is intensity...
.. of thoughts a concern? The wild fluctuations, the mood swings faster than an eyeblink, the restlessness.. Is everything just a phase that everyone goes through? If yes, then why cant someone do something about it? Why is everything kept under wraps? Is this because same situations pose different concerns to different poeple and likewise, everyone has to look for one's own answers.
My straight simple story is I was not diligent enough at work and am paying for it. But why can anyone not accept that there were other reasons as well? May be I fell in a worldly trap of working for rewards, where a more rational thinking is to work for survival of spirit. The allusion to bhagwadgita is not a mere coincidence here. Everyone knows people die for lack of food but no-one told me what happens when one's away from work. I hate myself for getting that simple thing too late.
My straight simple story is I was not diligent enough at work and am paying for it. But why can anyone not accept that there were other reasons as well? May be I fell in a worldly trap of working for rewards, where a more rational thinking is to work for survival of spirit. The allusion to bhagwadgita is not a mere coincidence here. Everyone knows people die for lack of food but no-one told me what happens when one's away from work. I hate myself for getting that simple thing too late.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Fears of a haunted mind
Is fear driving me or is it an just impulsive force trying to break my inertia? And fear of what: future, peers? Fear matters for sure, but its kind.. dunno. Is it not that fear drives losers; winners have ambitions? So, I too will have to make this transition sometime sooner than later.
Ambition comes after fear in the hierarchy of driving forces. It surely can lead one somewhere but that somewhere is too far to be felt now. How can one predecide that one would like it? May be going up is not the solution. A perfect setting would be to have everything here itself, a blissful state of mind regardless of situations. I do not want to be a sanyasi, but enjoying life without craving for it should be possible. Desires should offload the pain they cause when not fulfilled. May be this state comes after going through a lot, but who asked for free lunches ?
Ambition comes after fear in the hierarchy of driving forces. It surely can lead one somewhere but that somewhere is too far to be felt now. How can one predecide that one would like it? May be going up is not the solution. A perfect setting would be to have everything here itself, a blissful state of mind regardless of situations. I do not want to be a sanyasi, but enjoying life without craving for it should be possible. Desires should offload the pain they cause when not fulfilled. May be this state comes after going through a lot, but who asked for free lunches ?
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Quarter-life crisis (continues.. )
Once I looked up, I saw the sun,
Brave would've faced it, I could only run.
Gifted with a dream, little did I care
And spilled everything, my hands lay bare
I think of ruin, I think of plunder
When will I realize, it is a blunder
They talk of phoenix, people of old lore
Its rising from ashes, not the burning before
It still does
Brave would've faced it, I could only run.
Gifted with a dream, little did I care
And spilled everything, my hands lay bare
I think of ruin, I think of plunder
When will I realize, it is a blunder
They talk of phoenix, people of old lore
Its rising from ashes, not the burning before
It still does
Monday, July 12, 2004
The road ahead..
.is treacherous I know, but I have to walk it. Talking of motivation, what is it? I still dont know. Does it come from fear or shall I euphemize it to "concern for future"? One bottomline is one should fear future. May be its not fully correct, but do I need an absolute truth? Wont a practical, hypothesized reality work? After all, I am an engineer not a philosopher. My job is to get things to work, not search for the ultimate. Does that mean an engineer holds much more importance to a society than a philosopher? Gears against metaphysics, will anyone be interested in this battle?
Where am I going,let me stick to myself. Do I want to be a winner or a loser? Before answering this question, I need to have a working definition of both the terms and also see if there's another category in the middle. I think its all relative, depends on situation, perspective. For now, relativity is the absolute. So, now lets define what I want to be in what situation and whose perspective. Winner of course, in terms of oft-repeated categories of money,fame and family. It was really simple :) Till I get that, I cannot move ahead wherein both getting there and moving ahead are of equal relevence. Also, to get there thoughts of moving ahead should be put to hibernation for now. Inevitabilty not banality should be attributed to "hardwork".
Where am I going,let me stick to myself. Do I want to be a winner or a loser? Before answering this question, I need to have a working definition of both the terms and also see if there's another category in the middle. I think its all relative, depends on situation, perspective. For now, relativity is the absolute. So, now lets define what I want to be in what situation and whose perspective. Winner of course, in terms of oft-repeated categories of money,fame and family. It was really simple :) Till I get that, I cannot move ahead wherein both getting there and moving ahead are of equal relevence. Also, to get there thoughts of moving ahead should be put to hibernation for now. Inevitabilty not banality should be attributed to "hardwork".
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