The worst day of my life

I do not want to live here. Money does not attract me, fame is not exactly what I want, people around do not matter and I am not born just to do the job assigned mindlessly. Today can be easily called the most difficult day of my life. I do not have a single penny in my pocket, no family or relatives around, not a friend in sight I can lean on and above all, no motivation to work. So, why am I alive? I do not even have anyone to tell this to, leave alone an answer to my question. This hunger is killing me, but the urge to live is not strong enough to force me to eat. But I should rather look at the positives. I must have some, surely. I have a bright career ahead, but do I want it? I have my family besides myself, but is it such a big asset. Everyone has to live away at some point in one's life. I want to know what motivation do people have when they know they are alone till they start a new family themselves. Are the people around, friends or acquaintances, playing such an important role as being the preservers of the will to live? Are these thoughts of mine meaningful or just an excuse for my laziness. Is laziness the only ailment I am suffering from? Lets count some instances when I have done some hard work. EDP is one, it paid. Third year course on computation is another, did not pay. NTSE preparation pays even today. I studied hard for the final exams in seventh. So, some few and far between instances are certainly there but laziness is the general trait. Are there any decisions I can take at this point? Not being lazy is one, but deciding to abandon laziness would be like swimming The English Channel tomorrow.
I last ate something substantial may a couple of days back, had two good meals in a day may be sometime in April and now after having a glass of water feel like writing again. The positives of my life are hiding somewhere lest they too are destroyed by the reckless devil of my insane thoughts. The negatives well fed by the generosity of these very thoughts have pinned my soul and are about to crucify it.

not my terrain, hehe :)

I want to outline your beauty
But my verse is puerile
I want to admire your poise
But I dont have the guile

I want to kiss your lips
But the thought trembles me
I want to look in your eyes
But your gaze bemuses me

I want to play with your hair
But my fingers go numb
I want to hold your hand
But I am so dumb

I want you so bad
But have reflections so many
I want to say the words
But I havent got any

Interestingly, I wrote this one just to prove to myself that I can write about good things too. It seems I failed.

Quarter-life crisis

Is this for real, is this right?
In all this tumult, where's the light?
Darkness of doom descends on my soul,
Besieges my psyche, engulfs it whole.
Spirit is restive, a fish without water,
Confidence crippled, pride rendered shorter.
Aimless wandering n listless thought,
Mock my effort, pull it to nought.
The heart cries, drains my muse,
All I look for, is some excuse.
Inspiration is mauled, looted, raped,
And damned to oblivion, while I gaped.
Every positive is negated, strength is spent,
I cannot face it, my ego is bent.
No goals in sight, no path to follow,
I seek refuge in the past so hollow.
Cannot help howsoever I hate,
This loser's attitude, giving in to fate.
O Lord! I pray to thee,
Show some mercy, set me free.
On my knees, defeated by strife,
I plead tranquility, a just life.

When will it be over :(

A day marked for a fight

There was this day
Of strife, of delay.
Tempers were high
Gray looked the sky.
So was my muse
A mood grim, obtuse.
The wick called hope
Was fitful and grope.
Yea, it was our toast
Cursed, marred by roast.
Settling to drag
Was tough, no brag.
By Joe, did it pay?
Our gamble, foray.
Thoughts arose in mind
To forget, leave behind.
And, soon discord waned
Free now, were the chained.
Bhai took the first bow
As accounts began to flow.
Of his prime, peerless flair
His hallmarks and glare.
The torch then moved on
To every Tom, Dick & Ron.
Twas fun, twas a fest
Up there with the best.
Heavens opened at last,
Amidst joy at full blast.
Thus, ended on a note right
A day marked for a fight.

It was a good treat. I saw Taj from inside :)

Freedom ?

Freedom day it is
to be celebrated,
free to be me
To have the right.

I was told
they are the one,
my own people
for me and you.

To rule my mind
to weave illusion,
here they come
to wash my eyes.

Year after year
redemption promised,
of glory fantasied
of history invented.

Reality, not for me
its a myth,maya they say.
Buddha is a legend
a God to worship.

Is this the end
a goal realized,
or just a stretch
on the treacherous path?

Hazy but there still
my vision of freedom,
the dream India
will it be realized?

Patriotic me :D

Initiation 2

I am back. Almost on the same terrain but a more critical analysis this time. But today I wont talk about lost places, the topic would rather be lost people. People who want to say a million things to some "one in a zillion" person but have to contend with broadcasting a few thousand lines for one's elusive "the one" to pick up and notice. What a strange animal man is? Is this a sub-conscious form of exhibitionism? But who will tell me?

chalo, I should put across my theory and let others contribute/ criticize.Restricting our discussion to email, chatrooms and blogs, what do these things solve? If one pays a bit more attention, there's not much evidence of such an open expression of human thoughts in the past. esp. of the blogs...Some may argue that blog is an extension of good old diary writing system but in my opinion this is not true. Both differ at their root purpose,one is a private store house to be revisited after decades, to satisfy nostalgic thirst while the blog is to say it to all. Imho, blog represents modern day paradigm shift to shw-off and cash in, both fruits of materialism. 10 years back, could we ever have expected couples to make their bedroom blues public, a student writing all he/she feels about his teacher or a pyt invting people to talk to her...blogs though carry traditional lamenting on the system, reviews of movies, events, people etc. as well...So blog is a novel expression and at the same time gateway of conventional expressions.

The advantage of this expression is its just another solution for ubiquitous problem of stress. Infact, modern day psychologists and our ancient wise men agree on their prescription on stress relieving, which is to express oneself....and blog suits present day world..its fast, easily accessible and global. The only disadvantage can be when the object of one's grudge comes across one's blog. Oh gawd!!! that'll be a KO. what if mom sees what I am writing.. I'll be nailed....so guys just excuse me till I invent a safer "mode of expression" or get bold enough to use this blog again..

Promise to myself...

Flowers,birds,rain,the hill
Never cross my mind,
Nor am I fill.
With joy so innocent,
As only she is
my dreamgirl.

Doubts, worries, thought,
is all i have,
N' it is fought.
The battle so hard
where else but
in my own heart.

Smiles, frowns, fad
she thinks so pretty
and I so bad.
Whats amiss,
Cant I be happy,
N' always be glad.

Promise, pledge, a vow
here I make
to me and to thou.
I'll be fun,
from now on
N' no furor.

.. which did not last even a month, i guess. Anyways, really bad rhyming.